Tired and sore, tired and sore!

Okay. I conned the boss into not making me work on the weekends if it snows. That part is taken care of. (Heh heh heh...)
However... I still have to wake up two to three hours early if it snows.

Today I worked another 11 hour day. As long as my time is spent shoveling, however, we don't get overtime for it. It's a wierd contract thingy that goes away whenever we spend extra time actually on the plant doing non-snow removal activities. Meaning if I were to stay late and do anything but snow shovel, I would earn overtime. If I'm shoveling, it's just straight time.

I just deposited my first cheque. $1693.07 is what I made in my three weeks so far. Not a lot of money, but it's better than nothing. I guess I'm making $17.00 an hour regular time. Not too bad. I could be making a lot less.
I'm gonna talk to the boss and see about getting an automatic deposit set up. I find it really inconvenient to drive across town to a bank that's closed at 4pm. Since I made my deposit at the insta-teller machine, I have to wait (possibly, said the message...) up to 5 days for it to process. It's teh suxxorz...

So, it's still snowing, light poofy stuff, and it's been doing it all day long. Meaning I have to go to bed soon and wake up early again, to do the entire plant tomorrow. After snow shoveling, I can join the on-site crew and do on-site crap, making overtime if I stay late.

Later folks.

Ah, a little sharing is nice.

What if I were to say that I might be moving out this spring with a girl I like?

Now now, it's more complicated than you think, and full of misunderstandings. So hold on, while I explain the situation. Get those dirty thoughts out of your head! (For shame!)

The daughter of my mothers roommate, Jamie, needs a dependable roommate to move out with her this spring. She's finally had it, being cooped up at home. So have I.
So... she's asked me to maybe move out with her this spring, and help her get her own life set up.
What can I say? I'm touched that anyone would think I'm reliable and dependable enough to count on in such a situation. Plus, it would be great to have a roommate that's mature and dependable for once as well.

So I said yes, and hush hush, keeping the plans from all our households members for now. They have, after all, always in the past stood in the way of massive plans and ideas time and time again in the past.

Jamie is nearly 20, making money through blood and sweat at work (we work together at the plants by the way), and gets along with me quite comfortably.
I trust her to live her life the way she wants it, without crushing my own goals in the process.
Tired of younger siblings and the constant power struggle between her as an adult and the other adults in this house, she desperately needs a place to call her own, to live her own life.

This is just one of the many plans I've made over the last 6 months or so. It's very hush hush, and something I've been able to keep under wraps for quite some time now. Heh, aren't I the sneaky little devil? Even Laurie doesn't have a clue what's being planned right now. I hate to be so devious, but the women I live with are so snoopy and nosy that they'll ruin the plans by being too invasive and involved. It has to be done without their interference, or else it won't be that liberating first-time feeling of leaving home behind. Jamie wants it her way, she just wants me to gaurantee that it can happen. Every other roommate she's tried to get in the past has done nothing but disappoint her. I can't let that happen.

So... In the late spring, I'll most likely be moving out with her (unless she gets a better roommate/reliable boyfriend). Which means I have to start saving those bucks of mine.

I'm working at the chemical plants right now. In order to weasle my way into the Labour Pool, I had to rejoin my old company, G.S. Landscaping. No big deal. I don't have to Manwatch anymore (supervising the lives of others in dangerous areas or situations). That's always a plus.
Now that I have more job experience and worldly knowledge, I don't feel trapped there. It pays decent (not too shabby by the way), is close to home (in case I break down, I can still walk or bike), and I'm innately familiar with most of the people and the duties involved.

When I returned to Sherritt, you wouldn't believe how many people were surprised and happy to see me return. I'm not lying, but I am somewhat a kind of legend out there. An invincible, bad-ass, hardworking slave that single-handedly earned the undying respect of nearly every authoritive power in this plant. Why? Not through my humble and crafty politicing (well, maybe it was...), but through my own suffering and dedication for all of my duties. The jobs I hated doing, I still excelled and out-performed others. And people knew that. They just never appreciated it until I left.
So now the legend is back, ready to rock and roll, and hit each challenge and task harder than before. Safely, of course...
The amount of improvements in the site so far has seriously impressed me. Safety is top-rate, ethics have gone wayyyy up, even the people I now work with are all awesome.

It may take a while, but I can eventually earn a cushy job as a Sherritt man. Not what I want to settle into for the rest of my life, but it will let me do many things so that I can get the opportunities to do what I want.

I can't focus or even begin on any of my interests or pursuits/goals at home right now. I have no room for an art studio, or work bench, or even to stretch out and have a good night sleep.
While I am able to comfortably live under the rule of two old ladies (Kim and Laurie), Jamie cannot, and while I'm in this household, I can't really do much of anything that I want to do. I have to keep my hobbies, dreams, and everything suppressed until things loosen up here. But things will never loosen up here. We'll always have rules designed to keep 16 year old kids unhappy. I have to follow such rules, and live within a tiny little space in one corner of our house.
If I told Laurie my plans to move, she would guilt trip me (not on purpose of course, but she would still do it), get too involved with Jamies and my decisions, and possibly make dirty jokes and comments regarding us two living alone together. (By the way, Jamie and I are not related legally, by blood, or any family relations whatsoever. I call her my sister, but she's just a girl that lives in my house. Just saying.)

So, secrets, secrets, secrets! You guys sure are lucky that you're not directly involved with my life here at home, there's no threat of you guys hindering my plans, so I can safely tell you a few things.

Anyways, this is just the tip of the iceburg that is my life. Hope ya like this blog update. There'll be more soon enough, so hurry up and wait, right?

P.S. : No. None of you old farts can move in with us. Ever.
Muahahaha! ^_^

Weekend Blogging

Holy shit. Usually I have to sign in to access my blog. It's a pain in the ass, especially since I have to type in my full e-mail address along with my long-ass password.
Nope. Not today for some reason. I think the 'remember me' button actually worked for once!

Hi family. And friends. And lurkers, stalkers, assassins, and evil henchmen. I haven't posted for a while. I think I should post something today.

You all know me as a quiet, hidden man. Expressing my real intent, emotions, and thoughts is something I can rarely ever do in person. Usually I can only fully and freely express myself through writing. Hence one of the reasons I hate phone calls so much. I can't communicate the way I want to on a phone.
I have kept so much hidden inside of me my whole entire life that the real me inside is quite possibly barely similar to the full-time mask I have to live with.

Here's a quick emo moment folks, as I explain a little.
In the past, living in my household, I was taught early to suppress my creative and wild side. Emotions and ideas were not supported. In fact, if I didn't conform and act as a broken child, I would have made life on myself and my mother far worse than it was.
It's only natural that after a life-time of wearing a mask and keeping my feelings hidden, that as an adult I am unable to fully express myself.
Many of my qualities and traits, such as my basic ethics, compassion, heartfelt honesty, and my other virtues still shine through, despite my attempts at blending in and disappearing into the crowd. If I'm unseen, I can't be attacked, right? well, that used to be my belief.

Since I was 16-17, right before I moved away from home for the first time, I've been slowly trying to heal myself. My stutter is all but gone, I can look strangers in the eye and have pride and courage in myself. I can state my opinions and beliefs and be strong enough to maintain them. I can kind of feel happiness, and possibly hope, for a better tomorrow now.
I have really shaped myself into a better me. I'm still learning how to fully and safely feel my emotions. I can be considered borderline psychopath material, if it wasn't my strong ethics and feelings that keep me from straying.

I have a lot of hidden things to say one day, but it's hard to actually reveal certain things about myself.
I've joined a community where I took a leap and shared some sensitive facts about myself with a group of people I simply love and respect.
I think very soon I can tell you all some important facts about myself, including some of my future goals and beliefs.

Until then, let me sort through my own thoughts and reveal bit by bit what I feel that I can.

So much to tell, so little faith and trust...
It's easy for others to accidentally reveal little tidbits of sensitive information which can somehow land in the wrong hands and come back to bite me in the ass.
Even my own family...

Secrets! Secrets! I have lots of secrets!
Heh heh. ^_^
I'll share some of them soon enough.

Hugs and kisses family. See ya soon.

Back to Work! ^_^

Alright family. Tomorrow morning I go back to work.

Unfortunately, I've chosen to take a job at the chemical plants again, the same one I cursed and spit at before in the past.

Why would I go back, you wonder?

It's close to home, it yields excellent pay for minimal skill, I already have an established reputation and power base there, I know the jobs and routines, I drive my sister Jamie there everyday anyway, and I know I can do the job, and do it well.
I left the place for a variety of reasons. One, with minimal job experience, I had felt 'trapped' there, felt forced to stay because I had no skills to move on and improve my life. I thought I was doomed to be a slave there for the rest of my life. I was also less mature at the time, and unwilling to deal with some of the assholes at the site.
I'm older now, I have a lot more experience tucked under my belt. I have a nice truck, a loving family, and the knowledge that I can break away at any time if I need to go.

So, even though my ethics of a 'green world' will be constantly shattered at the sight of spewing gas vents and floating metal dust in the air, I'll be able to save up for something worthwhile. Sherritt will be hiring some helpers soon, full-time, so even though I'm joining a contractor company right now, I have opportunities to get a slacker job in the near future.

Orientation tomorrow morning at 7am, after that, a full day of work. Yay! Money again.

Later peeps. I gotta go buy a watch for work later on today.

Oooh, yay... Bundles of joy...

3 kittens now.
2 born IN MY BED.
The 3rd born by my brothers bed.

Disgusting.

Little black kitties covered in blood and fluid. Placentas dangling off the last one. Ugh.

I am bedless for at least 24 hours. I have some serious cleaning to do.
I need to sleep, and be up in the morning, to drive Jamie to work.

That's it. Momma cat is gettin' fixed. that neighbour cat might also get a lead pellet in it's ass from me... A warning to stay away...

Guhh!...

I'm up, I'm up!

Today, I finally motivated my ass long enough to fill out some applications and shoot them out into the public.
Okay, I lied. I only made one application.
I'm scheduling my 'available to work' date to be November 1st, the day AFTER Halloween. I plan on having fun with my family for once this year.
Like I had said before, I plan on working indoors at WalMart this winter.

Why WalMart?...
-First of all, for my position I'm applying for, I won't have to serve anybody. That means nobody and noone!
-I'll be assigned to an area, one little area, and all I have to do is listen to some poor schmuck who's tied down with responsibilities. This means I alone will not be solely responsible for any screw ups or major mistakes.
-I shouldn't have to worry about shoplifting or thefts. Any co-workers I catch stealing can be quietly and immediately fired, and I won't ever have to deal with them again.
-I won't feel TRAPPED, meaning that if I hate my job, I can leave anytime I want. After all, being a shelf-boy shouldn't be that hard. ANYBODY can do this, except the hours suck for most people...
-I won't be working with chemicals, cars, machines, or serving annoying people. I serve one person, my area manager, and that's it. Everyone else can suck it! :P
-It's relatively close to home. No driving through the city of Edmonton and fighting rush-hour traffic to get home.
-I can stay clean at this job. No customer sweat fumes, no toxic chemicals, no grease or oil. Just my own sweat and filth. Amen to that.
-I can keep a beard, or stay scruffy.
-It's close to my bank, meaning I don't have to take unneccessary side-trips to cash my cheques or to pay my bills. Think of the savings!
I'm really hoping to get this job.
Right now, people are screaming for me to come back. 7-11, the chemical plants, even John wants me to return as a mechanic.
Pfft, screw that.
I want a simple job, one that's safe and easy to do. Money sucks, and I'd be happy in a prehistoric pioneer land where I can run around half naked or in loin cloths.

Anyways, hi family. Miss ya all, but right now I don't want to drive south, west, or anywhere outside of my city. Why? I'm not a natural traveler. Although I love traveling, I am not naturally inclined to initiate travels. Meh, you guys won't understand...
I like my spot. I belong here, and I'm relatively safe and happy here.

I'm going as Death for Halloween. I think I might change my robe into a Priest robe or something, go as a Necrolyte instead.

Lotsa love guys! Cya for now.

Hello Family.

It's been quite a while since I've last posted anything here, and I'll tell you why.

Applying at 7-11 was a HUGE mistake for me.

I am not a social person. I've been taught as a child to suppress my ideas and high levels of empathy and emotion. As such, I grew to be a socially-stunted person. It wouldn't be until I reached the age of 18-ish that I finally started to change for the better.

Some things are nearly impossible to change.

Remember that also my mother taught me values on how to be polite and respectful to people, to do unto others as you would have others do unto you rule. I can be an excellent person to others, catering to their needs and expectations. I've made impressive impressions on people that I've met over the years, and I am highly respectable as a person of outstanding morals and opinions.

However, when constantly flogged by peoples who have NO VALUES WHATSOEVER, my spirit starts to wane. I get genuinely upset that people can nowadays simply EXPECT to have this 'lorldly power' to do as they please, simply because it's their 'right' to do so. The attitudes, the lack of public decency, total absence of personal and public respect... God, these people that I had to serve simply DISGUSTED me. Still, I trudged heroicly on, keeping a dying store alive through nothing short of pure brute strength and stoic will.

After an entire summer of dedicating my very being into this self-destructive task, with my selective mindset and rigid values, I found myself losing control. These people made me frustrated, causing my constant back-spasms and loss of sleep. I felt desperate, trying to juggle duties that required me to stay at the till and serve despicable people as well as duties that forced me away from serving people and remaining out-of-sight of my till.

I did somethingthat I rarely do: I asked for help.

All summer I was forced to juggle alone, on my own, during the worst possible shift and season imaginable. Children stay up all summer until 5am. Coffee rush starts at 4:30 am. And all the while I'm trapped up front at the till while duties such as ordering, stocking, cleaning, etc., keep me in the back. It sounds impossible, it IS impossible, but I DID it anyways.

I would go home, too stressed to eat anything at all, and simply pass out after a brief shower. I'd try to sleep and rest, and prepare, for another night of hell- serving little demons that stay awake alll ngiht in the streets of Fort Saskatchewan. If I haven't been posting anything in my blogs, it's because I simply haven't had TIME. Or energy. Or frankly any desire to at the time.

I quit with no regrets. I endured the summer season, and allowed the store to survive for over 3 months. Now that it's winter, they're on their own again. I honored my 2 weeks notice, working a staggered shift on my birthday even, a day that I couldn't even begin to enjoy until 3 days after it had already passed.

Now, now I'm an unemployed bum. I will be working at Wal-Mart as a shelf stacker (they have a night-time sales associate title, but I basically stock shelves). I didn't really aplly yet, and I'm holding off for a few more days, but I'm essentially gauranteed a job there. It will be a nice indoor job for the winter. It's in-town (meaning I can walk if my truck dies for whatever reasons). It doesn't involve customers, chemicals, cars, engines, shaving, or popularity. I can go there, do my thing, get it done, and go home. Perfect for a hermit like myself.

I'll be able to establish a reputation as an earnest and hard worker again, AND be appreciated for my efforts. I can quit at the drop of the hat, as stocking shelves is not something that HAS to be done. It could be left undone for two days if I chose to quit, and the store would still survive.

I don't care about money, I never have. It's useless to me, only good for bills, rent, and a few pleasures that I grow bored of. I like walking, enjoying the peace and quiet of nature, and exploring things on the internet.

I just wanted you all to know that I'll be posting more freequently. However, I have multiple sites to maintain. I have my MySpace page (just do a search for Autumnbear) and a Freewebs account that I haven't looked at for over 4 months.

Anyways, I gotta run for a shower and a shave. I'm growing a beard on my chin, but shaving the heeks, throat, and forehead, so I look somewhat 'human' and less like a sasquatch.

If I sound like a bitch on the phone, it's because I am. I hate phones. It's an arduous task that I find limiting to do. At a computer, I can multitask. I can look stuff up, do this and that, and maintain a conversation and read it at my own pace. The phone? I have to drop all of my current activities, leave my room, and annoy everyone by replying to people through a series of awkward replies to an awkward phone call. It's embarrassing, tedious, and slow. I'll accept calls, but I'll make no effort to enjoy them. I hate phones, period. That's why I destroyed my last two cell phones. They pissed me off, people, EVERYBODY, calling me up, interrupting my life, to stand and stare into space, talking 'yup... yup... huhhh... okay... yup... yup...' Not fun.