I feel like an insect in a tight cocoon.
I try to stretch and grow, and end up clawing a tiny extra space in my little prison, so I can live my life a little better.
Unfortunately, as I claw through my tight little prison, I end up hurting whatever is on the other side.
I've managed to hide my feelings and goals my entire life. I'm wondering if it's right to be so selfish and live my life not just to simply exist, but also to be happy and grow.
I've tasted happiness before, even had it ripped out of my hands. I have done nothing but bleed and sweat for everyone I care for, so I believe that as an adult I can finally scratch out a little space and live a slightly better life for myself.
Unfortunately my actions have greatly hurt one of my greatest friends/rivals, my attempts to live constantly unsettling those closest to me.
Jamie is a girl I've liked a lot for a very long time. However, I am still unsure as to how she even feels about me in return. I chat with her all the time by e-mail, or on MSN, or even at work, but when I confessed my feelings to her by e-mail, I did not get a response.
She's been hurt in the past, several times by other boys/men, and that instantly clears up my questioning as to why she isn't interested in any relationships with anyone at this time. She's been used and abused, and her broken love spirit now hides inside her depths, unwilling to poke itself out for the world to see.
Unfortunately, she is my sister. Not legally or by oath or blood, but I've called her sister since she was only 9. She is a very close friend.
I met Shawn through her, and he absolutely is in love with her as well. He constantly strives for her affection, but because of her aches and pains, she doesn't want to allow herself to love again. She doesn't trust anyone at all. I can understand that, and I have endless patience to wait for something that may never come into fruitation.
Since Shawn and I both want the affection and love from the same girl, we've grown to be rivals of a sort. I've tried to get Jamie to look at him better, through e-mails and suggestions, but she clearly isn't interested in anyone. This is kind of painful, knowing that she might not be ready to like not only me, but also this man that very clearly longs to be with her as well.
Shawn is a good man, he's had a hard life full of set-backs and let-downs. He's very upset right now, believing that he has lost in the duel to win her attention.
He doesn't realize that I in fact am the jealous one here. I don't have the grade school memories, or friendship bond that he and another Shawn has. I missed out on many of her experiences, and I am only just now learning tidbits of her secretive past through other people. Jamie seems to have more of a fun time around Shawn, and he can make her laugh and talk far more easily than I ever could. Is it any wonder that I can hate him for this fact? I am jealous to the extreme.
And yet, despite it all, I see Shawn as a friend still. This is incredibly confusing and painful to deal with. Here's a person who may be taking away my happiness from me, while at the same time I like the guy and his company.
Maybe it's easier to just back down and give up, but I know I can't do that. I've tasted happiness, and I want more. Too long have I lived as a slave, working for a family that constantly mocks the fact that I'm alone and unloved in a relationship.
Shawn also has that kind of feeling too, and I just read his blog for the first time in many months. He's dealing with the same confusion that I am.
Understandably, he probably hates me for the same reasons. I just hope him and I can still get along with this knowledge, and work around each other.
Jamie first asked Shawn if he would move out with her. He said he would, but I guess because of some situations he failed to meet her expectations, which can be incredibly high by the way. Jamie then asked many other people to be her roomamte, long before she even approached me about it. I happily agreed, full of many doubts, but willing to try and make her life better for her. Even if she doesn't end up liking me the same way, or if she does, I would be there for her. I want to live my own life too, and if she and I can do our own thing in the same house and get along for a while, that would be a wonderful thing.
Of course, when she does settle for someone, I would most likely have to leave. I doubt that she would want to maintain a long-term relationship with a guy like me. But if she does, I would be the happiest man on earth.
Tony, my own brother, may be sharing our place with us for a while. He needs to finish his schooling, and find a decent job, in order to live his own life for him and his girlfriend.
I am willing to move out with these two, if anything, just to show them how to live on their own. I've done it, three times in the past, and made many mistakes and had many experiences while doing so. They're both heavily dependant on my reputation as a dependable person to get them through the first few rocky months.
If I have to leave after, I'll either get my own place and live alone for a while, or maybe even consider moving out to B.C. and taking a Native Arts program.
I'm excited, scared, and upset at the idea of moving out this spring. I'm hurting a lot of people by not only being in love with Jamie, but also by abandoning my current family to start a life on my own.
I have to do what's right though, and unfortunately I've been used too long in the past to not let myself live for once. If my actions hurt others, then so be it. The guilt will always hurt me, but the need to do this is even greater, so I've made my decision.
I'm moving out this spring, after Christmas, with two people. I'll have the company of two great people of whom I can be totally honest and open with, and be able to do the things I want and need to do in order to be happy.
Friends can still come over, but the house will belong to Jamie, since that is her goal and dream. All I will do is help her get her life started, and then see if I can be a part of it for a while after.
I'm sorry if I hurt you Shawn, but hopefully you'll understand, and try to be there for Jamie in your own way.
I've got lots of work clothes to wash. Talk to you later folks.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Christmas Party?
Tomorrow (Friday) after work our company is having a staff Christmas Party.
It isn't really anything too fancy. In reality, we're all just going to the bar together to have a good time.
I'm looking forward to it. My crewmates are all so unwilling to open up at work, so it's a good chance to break down their walls.
I have a 'date' for tomorrow. It's a MAN.
Now, hold on. Don't get too excited. Owen is his name, and I invited him to come because he's pretty cool. He works on our crew, but he's from a different company. Since our party is G.S. Landscaping only, I asked if it was okay to bring a date. The boss said I could bring a friend if I wanted, so I chose a fellow worker. How nice was that?
Heh heh. Some of you are breaking out in a nervous sweat I bet. I can only imagine the thoughts in your peoples heads (only because mine are so dirty as well). But I assure you, as cute as Owen can be (for a 26 year old, dirty-blond haired boy) he is far from ideal. Too emo, and too much false bravado when he's in a good mood.
I plan on beating everyone at pool, using my elite skills from the past to win every game (oh yeah... [Flexes]).
I'll get to hob-know with the boss, and chat freely with the crew, and practice opening up and having fun in public.
I've begun extreme changes in my attitude, trying very hard to loosen up and enjoy life. I'm too serious, too restrained. I want to be able to shrug off my noble mantle once in a while and just act like everyone else.
So far I have made significant changes. It's not readily apparent, but I can joke and speak in public easier now, I can actually use small-talk (even though I tend to kill it by dragging non-interesting tidbits into my conversation), and I'm trying to smile and work on face and body posturing more.
It's a slow change, but one I'm willing to work at, bit by bit. Just adjusting my attitude by thinking positive instead of rolling with whatever mood fits the situation has actually helped. I feel better at work and around others.
Oops. It's later than I thought. Time to crash folks. Cya.
O_x
It isn't really anything too fancy. In reality, we're all just going to the bar together to have a good time.
I'm looking forward to it. My crewmates are all so unwilling to open up at work, so it's a good chance to break down their walls.
I have a 'date' for tomorrow. It's a MAN.
Now, hold on. Don't get too excited. Owen is his name, and I invited him to come because he's pretty cool. He works on our crew, but he's from a different company. Since our party is G.S. Landscaping only, I asked if it was okay to bring a date. The boss said I could bring a friend if I wanted, so I chose a fellow worker. How nice was that?
Heh heh. Some of you are breaking out in a nervous sweat I bet. I can only imagine the thoughts in your peoples heads (only because mine are so dirty as well). But I assure you, as cute as Owen can be (for a 26 year old, dirty-blond haired boy) he is far from ideal. Too emo, and too much false bravado when he's in a good mood.
I plan on beating everyone at pool, using my elite skills from the past to win every game (oh yeah... [Flexes]).
I'll get to hob-know with the boss, and chat freely with the crew, and practice opening up and having fun in public.
I've begun extreme changes in my attitude, trying very hard to loosen up and enjoy life. I'm too serious, too restrained. I want to be able to shrug off my noble mantle once in a while and just act like everyone else.
So far I have made significant changes. It's not readily apparent, but I can joke and speak in public easier now, I can actually use small-talk (even though I tend to kill it by dragging non-interesting tidbits into my conversation), and I'm trying to smile and work on face and body posturing more.
It's a slow change, but one I'm willing to work at, bit by bit. Just adjusting my attitude by thinking positive instead of rolling with whatever mood fits the situation has actually helped. I feel better at work and around others.
Oops. It's later than I thought. Time to crash folks. Cya.
O_x
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Inspirational Music
A Criminal Mind: One of my favourite songs by Gowan.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEmCsu4c9dI
Society judges too harshly, making criminals of us all. I have a criminal mind.
Cry Little Sister: The Lost Boys soundtrack.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVnSGXvYK20
Dark songs with angsty goodness. I love the main chorus in this song. Has a special meaning to me.
Guilty Secret: Chris De Burgh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnLXH4NalDg
Applies to entry #2 above.
''He doesn't need her, the way that I need her. He doesn't love her, the way that I do.''
Man, I love these lyrics.
Ja ja... More updates are coming. I'm in a happy mood today, so I felt like posting for once.
Anyways, it's late. 2 more days of work, then I get a weekend. Woot! ^_^
See ya friends and family. Peace out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEmCsu4c9dI
Society judges too harshly, making criminals of us all. I have a criminal mind.
Cry Little Sister: The Lost Boys soundtrack.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVnSGXvYK20
Dark songs with angsty goodness. I love the main chorus in this song. Has a special meaning to me.
Guilty Secret: Chris De Burgh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnLXH4NalDg
Applies to entry #2 above.
''He doesn't need her, the way that I need her. He doesn't love her, the way that I do.''
Man, I love these lyrics.
Ja ja... More updates are coming. I'm in a happy mood today, so I felt like posting for once.
Anyways, it's late. 2 more days of work, then I get a weekend. Woot! ^_^
See ya friends and family. Peace out.
Feelin' Good
-ast night me, Jamie, and my brother Tony had a much needed talk for once.
In our house, having an open and honest discussion can be a very hard thing to do, especially on some topics that involve change or personal feelings.
For some time now we've been planning (plotting) in secret many of our goals and plans. Tonywill be moving out with us in the spring, away from the oppression at home.
-Kim and Laurie seemunhappy because they have to constantly worry about their children, and boyfriends in the house, and the constant mess... Remove those problems, and maybe they'll be happy for once. Or maybe they'll realize that the reason they're unhappy is because they have issues of their own to sort out. Hopefully when they're on their own, they can bond together and sort out their mess.
I'm kind of doubtful about having Tony as a roommate, but if Jamie says she can handle him, then so be it. Especially since Tony has a girlfriend. What if she gets pregnant, or they fight, or make love too loudly... [Blushes]
I can see potential problems in the future, and I'm sure that Tony would love HIS own place, but he also has never really moved out on his own before and been responsible. It would be a great learning experience for him (and Jamie) to be on their own for once in their life.
I'm pretty sure that this time when I leave home again I'll be able to survive a little longer than before. Jamie, Tony, and I all three do not smoke, nor do we do meth or drink at home (maybe once in a blue moon, just the drinking part).
Jamie and I are solid, we rarely fight (but we have fought, kinda half-heartedly). She's a great buddy, wonderful 'sister', and someone I adore and respect. I treat her as an equal at work, and although I'd like to say that I would treat her as a man there, I can't. I still fret and worry whenever she gets put into situations that I don't like, like forced overtime and scary work locations. But I also realize that she's a strong woman, and that she can take care of herself. I'm glad she asks me for help now and then. It's good to see that she needs someone to lean on time to time, and that she isn't always an invincible rock.
Tony and I scrap, but never seriously. If he gets all serious on me and tells me to 'fuck off' I respect that. I don't push him around, he's my bro. I treat him as an equal and a very good friend. He's gonna finish his schooling, and then find a job. He's had enough hardships and rough times over the years. I want him to have an opportunity for the happiness and freedom that we're going to be working together for.
Tony and I are much closer now, especially since he's no longer the monster from an old divorce crying for attention. He has matured in ways that I can hardly explain, but he is going to be an outstanding man one day. He is compassionate and gentle with those he cares for, yet very aloof and uncaring for 'outsiders'. I can best try to describe him as 'Hyde' from 'That 70's Show'. He's a good guy, and I love him more as an adult because of his maturity and personality.
Jamie is a little too shy and seemingly not yet ready to embrace womanhood, but she's almost there. She has a strong goal in her sights, and the will to reach it. I am truly envious. Her personality is upbeat and full of life, and when she needs to be serious, she does so with a fierce sternness that I rarely see in others.
Me, I have some goals in mind, but nothing really career orientated. I know I want to be happy, do many of my hobbies, have room to do my stretches and excercises, and be able to do what I need to do without any guilt, conditions, restraints, or people in my way.
That chat last night refreshed the reasons why I'm working so hard, and the fact that we're all still committed to see it through. I was doubting whether or not I would still be wanted as a roommate. I can be downright gloomy at times, and self-defeating. However, when I'm happy I can be an amazing person. I think they both realize that. They know I won't wreck their lives or ruin their plans.
They both have friends that can make them laugh, or keep them constantly amused, or can offer rides and favors. Me, all I can offer is everything I have. My friendship, my strength, my comfort. I can offer them a chance to reach their goals, and a dependable person to live with who won't desert them in their hour of need. Plus, I leave the toilet seat down (Tony doesn't, lol).
I can't wait! ^_^
In our house, having an open and honest discussion can be a very hard thing to do, especially on some topics that involve change or personal feelings.
For some time now we've been planning (plotting) in secret many of our goals and plans. Tonywill be moving out with us in the spring, away from the oppression at home.
-Kim and Laurie seemunhappy because they have to constantly worry about their children, and boyfriends in the house, and the constant mess... Remove those problems, and maybe they'll be happy for once. Or maybe they'll realize that the reason they're unhappy is because they have issues of their own to sort out. Hopefully when they're on their own, they can bond together and sort out their mess.
I'm kind of doubtful about having Tony as a roommate, but if Jamie says she can handle him, then so be it. Especially since Tony has a girlfriend. What if she gets pregnant, or they fight, or make love too loudly... [Blushes]
I can see potential problems in the future, and I'm sure that Tony would love HIS own place, but he also has never really moved out on his own before and been responsible. It would be a great learning experience for him (and Jamie) to be on their own for once in their life.
I'm pretty sure that this time when I leave home again I'll be able to survive a little longer than before. Jamie, Tony, and I all three do not smoke, nor do we do meth or drink at home (maybe once in a blue moon, just the drinking part).
Jamie and I are solid, we rarely fight (but we have fought, kinda half-heartedly). She's a great buddy, wonderful 'sister', and someone I adore and respect. I treat her as an equal at work, and although I'd like to say that I would treat her as a man there, I can't. I still fret and worry whenever she gets put into situations that I don't like, like forced overtime and scary work locations. But I also realize that she's a strong woman, and that she can take care of herself. I'm glad she asks me for help now and then. It's good to see that she needs someone to lean on time to time, and that she isn't always an invincible rock.
Tony and I scrap, but never seriously. If he gets all serious on me and tells me to 'fuck off' I respect that. I don't push him around, he's my bro. I treat him as an equal and a very good friend. He's gonna finish his schooling, and then find a job. He's had enough hardships and rough times over the years. I want him to have an opportunity for the happiness and freedom that we're going to be working together for.
Tony and I are much closer now, especially since he's no longer the monster from an old divorce crying for attention. He has matured in ways that I can hardly explain, but he is going to be an outstanding man one day. He is compassionate and gentle with those he cares for, yet very aloof and uncaring for 'outsiders'. I can best try to describe him as 'Hyde' from 'That 70's Show'. He's a good guy, and I love him more as an adult because of his maturity and personality.
Jamie is a little too shy and seemingly not yet ready to embrace womanhood, but she's almost there. She has a strong goal in her sights, and the will to reach it. I am truly envious. Her personality is upbeat and full of life, and when she needs to be serious, she does so with a fierce sternness that I rarely see in others.
Me, I have some goals in mind, but nothing really career orientated. I know I want to be happy, do many of my hobbies, have room to do my stretches and excercises, and be able to do what I need to do without any guilt, conditions, restraints, or people in my way.
That chat last night refreshed the reasons why I'm working so hard, and the fact that we're all still committed to see it through. I was doubting whether or not I would still be wanted as a roommate. I can be downright gloomy at times, and self-defeating. However, when I'm happy I can be an amazing person. I think they both realize that. They know I won't wreck their lives or ruin their plans.
They both have friends that can make them laugh, or keep them constantly amused, or can offer rides and favors. Me, all I can offer is everything I have. My friendship, my strength, my comfort. I can offer them a chance to reach their goals, and a dependable person to live with who won't desert them in their hour of need. Plus, I leave the toilet seat down (Tony doesn't, lol).
I can't wait! ^_^
Monday, December 3, 2007
Tired and sore, tired and sore!
Okay. I conned the boss into not making me work on the weekends if it snows. That part is taken care of. (Heh heh heh...)
However... I still have to wake up two to three hours early if it snows.
Today I worked another 11 hour day. As long as my time is spent shoveling, however, we don't get overtime for it. It's a wierd contract thingy that goes away whenever we spend extra time actually on the plant doing non-snow removal activities. Meaning if I were to stay late and do anything but snow shovel, I would earn overtime. If I'm shoveling, it's just straight time.
I just deposited my first cheque. $1693.07 is what I made in my three weeks so far. Not a lot of money, but it's better than nothing. I guess I'm making $17.00 an hour regular time. Not too bad. I could be making a lot less.
I'm gonna talk to the boss and see about getting an automatic deposit set up. I find it really inconvenient to drive across town to a bank that's closed at 4pm. Since I made my deposit at the insta-teller machine, I have to wait (possibly, said the message...) up to 5 days for it to process. It's teh suxxorz...
So, it's still snowing, light poofy stuff, and it's been doing it all day long. Meaning I have to go to bed soon and wake up early again, to do the entire plant tomorrow. After snow shoveling, I can join the on-site crew and do on-site crap, making overtime if I stay late.
Later folks.
However... I still have to wake up two to three hours early if it snows.
Today I worked another 11 hour day. As long as my time is spent shoveling, however, we don't get overtime for it. It's a wierd contract thingy that goes away whenever we spend extra time actually on the plant doing non-snow removal activities. Meaning if I were to stay late and do anything but snow shovel, I would earn overtime. If I'm shoveling, it's just straight time.
I just deposited my first cheque. $1693.07 is what I made in my three weeks so far. Not a lot of money, but it's better than nothing. I guess I'm making $17.00 an hour regular time. Not too bad. I could be making a lot less.
I'm gonna talk to the boss and see about getting an automatic deposit set up. I find it really inconvenient to drive across town to a bank that's closed at 4pm. Since I made my deposit at the insta-teller machine, I have to wait (possibly, said the message...) up to 5 days for it to process. It's teh suxxorz...
So, it's still snowing, light poofy stuff, and it's been doing it all day long. Meaning I have to go to bed soon and wake up early again, to do the entire plant tomorrow. After snow shoveling, I can join the on-site crew and do on-site crap, making overtime if I stay late.
Later folks.
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