Growing Pains

I feel like an insect in a tight cocoon.
I try to stretch and grow, and end up clawing a tiny extra space in my little prison, so I can live my life a little better.
Unfortunately, as I claw through my tight little prison, I end up hurting whatever is on the other side.
I've managed to hide my feelings and goals my entire life. I'm wondering if it's right to be so selfish and live my life not just to simply exist, but also to be happy and grow.
I've tasted happiness before, even had it ripped out of my hands. I have done nothing but bleed and sweat for everyone I care for, so I believe that as an adult I can finally scratch out a little space and live a slightly better life for myself.
Unfortunately my actions have greatly hurt one of my greatest friends/rivals, my attempts to live constantly unsettling those closest to me.

Jamie is a girl I've liked a lot for a very long time. However, I am still unsure as to how she even feels about me in return. I chat with her all the time by e-mail, or on MSN, or even at work, but when I confessed my feelings to her by e-mail, I did not get a response.
She's been hurt in the past, several times by other boys/men, and that instantly clears up my questioning as to why she isn't interested in any relationships with anyone at this time. She's been used and abused, and her broken love spirit now hides inside her depths, unwilling to poke itself out for the world to see.

Unfortunately, she is my sister. Not legally or by oath or blood, but I've called her sister since she was only 9. She is a very close friend.
I met Shawn through her, and he absolutely is in love with her as well. He constantly strives for her affection, but because of her aches and pains, she doesn't want to allow herself to love again. She doesn't trust anyone at all. I can understand that, and I have endless patience to wait for something that may never come into fruitation.
Since Shawn and I both want the affection and love from the same girl, we've grown to be rivals of a sort. I've tried to get Jamie to look at him better, through e-mails and suggestions, but she clearly isn't interested in anyone. This is kind of painful, knowing that she might not be ready to like not only me, but also this man that very clearly longs to be with her as well.
Shawn is a good man, he's had a hard life full of set-backs and let-downs. He's very upset right now, believing that he has lost in the duel to win her attention.
He doesn't realize that I in fact am the jealous one here. I don't have the grade school memories, or friendship bond that he and another Shawn has. I missed out on many of her experiences, and I am only just now learning tidbits of her secretive past through other people. Jamie seems to have more of a fun time around Shawn, and he can make her laugh and talk far more easily than I ever could. Is it any wonder that I can hate him for this fact? I am jealous to the extreme.
And yet, despite it all, I see Shawn as a friend still. This is incredibly confusing and painful to deal with. Here's a person who may be taking away my happiness from me, while at the same time I like the guy and his company.

Maybe it's easier to just back down and give up, but I know I can't do that. I've tasted happiness, and I want more. Too long have I lived as a slave, working for a family that constantly mocks the fact that I'm alone and unloved in a relationship.
Shawn also has that kind of feeling too, and I just read his blog for the first time in many months. He's dealing with the same confusion that I am.
Understandably, he probably hates me for the same reasons. I just hope him and I can still get along with this knowledge, and work around each other.

Jamie first asked Shawn if he would move out with her. He said he would, but I guess because of some situations he failed to meet her expectations, which can be incredibly high by the way. Jamie then asked many other people to be her roomamte, long before she even approached me about it. I happily agreed, full of many doubts, but willing to try and make her life better for her. Even if she doesn't end up liking me the same way, or if she does, I would be there for her. I want to live my own life too, and if she and I can do our own thing in the same house and get along for a while, that would be a wonderful thing.
Of course, when she does settle for someone, I would most likely have to leave. I doubt that she would want to maintain a long-term relationship with a guy like me. But if she does, I would be the happiest man on earth.
Tony, my own brother, may be sharing our place with us for a while. He needs to finish his schooling, and find a decent job, in order to live his own life for him and his girlfriend.

I am willing to move out with these two, if anything, just to show them how to live on their own. I've done it, three times in the past, and made many mistakes and had many experiences while doing so. They're both heavily dependant on my reputation as a dependable person to get them through the first few rocky months.
If I have to leave after, I'll either get my own place and live alone for a while, or maybe even consider moving out to B.C. and taking a Native Arts program.

I'm excited, scared, and upset at the idea of moving out this spring. I'm hurting a lot of people by not only being in love with Jamie, but also by abandoning my current family to start a life on my own.
I have to do what's right though, and unfortunately I've been used too long in the past to not let myself live for once. If my actions hurt others, then so be it. The guilt will always hurt me, but the need to do this is even greater, so I've made my decision.
I'm moving out this spring, after Christmas, with two people. I'll have the company of two great people of whom I can be totally honest and open with, and be able to do the things I want and need to do in order to be happy.
Friends can still come over, but the house will belong to Jamie, since that is her goal and dream. All I will do is help her get her life started, and then see if I can be a part of it for a while after.

I'm sorry if I hurt you Shawn, but hopefully you'll understand, and try to be there for Jamie in your own way.

I've got lots of work clothes to wash. Talk to you later folks.