Minor Update

Aha!

Sounds like Jamie is planning to go up north to find work. She seems to think that loads of hard-earned money will help her realize her dreams. Good for her.

Me, I still plan on doing my own thing. I know I can't stay at home forever, so I'm still committed to getting the heck out of here by spring, summer at the latest.
I'm not really sure on what I want to do in the future. That kind of scares me. I'm still almost completely directionless.
I'm thinking that I might do all my art dreams, but learn how to be a specialized massage therapist or something lucrative like that.
In the meantime, I'll study as much as I can on it, save up the bucks (as best as I can, for living on my own), and then go to a college and get my tickets/whatever to do it.

Warning: I'm a little depressed today.

Right now I'm frustrated, since it seems like I'm working for no short-time goals. Everything feels unreachable. I mean, sure, I can work hard to get a home, to get a new vehicle, to get this and that... but for what? Right now I have very little reason to do anything at all.
I'm not happy at home, and I'm not ever going to be happy here. I have nobody at home really to turn to for comfort, except maybe Stephanie and Jamie. Everyone else is in my way.
Laurie... I don't feel the same sort of love for her that I used to. No longer do I feel dependant on her. It feels like she's been deliberately hurting me my entire life. How she never quit smoking, and is suffering with her sickness from it. How she herself is unhappy, because she's lingering through a slow divorce with Nick. How she pulls me in by babying me, then saying right to my face that she doesn't need me for anything. It seems that everything that I tried to suggest for her to change or make better, she has deliberately ignored, and now rubs it raw in my face each time she sighs in depression, she hacks a lung out, or cries about her financial worries.
I feel like a terrible son for wanting to turn away from all of this.

Tony is upset because I won't let him move in with me unless he gets a job first. He's made no effort to get a part-time job after school. He seems to have no interest in saving up for anything. And he figures that moving out is oh-so-easy. He doesn't understand.
Jamie is upsetting me, confusing me with her yes's and no's in regards to moving out together. She seems to want to share bits and pieces of herself, but she deliberately holds back and hides everything else from me, and everyone else. I suppose she feels guilty for wanting help, but then she turns around and comes out with this confidence stating that she doesn't want anyone's input at all.
All of my other friends are either established in places already, or are not yet reliable enough to even bother asking for their company.

I'm finding myself more and more alone in my pursuit of happiness, that I'm feeling like the entire world wants to keep me wrapped up and miserable in my tiny room here where I live right now, an obedient drone sent to work every day to make money for a family that no longer needs or loves him.
This dangerous feeling I have right now is the number one reason why I have to just jumpstart my life, and claw right through everything and everyone for that little juicy chunk of space, so maybe that I can have my chance to live.
I hate this feeling. I truly, truly do. I pushed up and above it already, earlier this month. Now that the activity and motivation is settling down, the old habits and ways are creeping back in, returning those old voids and spaces that we created into the nothing that they used to be before. Our desperate gasp for air is being smothered and ignored. Well, I want more air, more space, and I'm gonna give 'em all hell until I get it back.

Akikuma = Autumnbear
Ki = Spirit
Akuma = Demon
Akikuma - Ki = Akuma
Today I'm feeling like I'd like to be one. I'd love to be able to be ruthless enough to just shred and force change into my world, regardless of the consequences for my actions. Rip and tear, pull and gather, grasping the many things in life that I need.

Today at work my mind was in a constant funk. It didn't help that last night a friend of the family called. Her name is Michelle (not my step-sister Michelle, someone else).
Apparently a few days ago her boyfriend was arrested. He beat up their 6 MONTH old baby boy, leaving it paralized on one side of it's body and brain-dead. We got the call from her last night.
Normally such news, while upsetting, wouldn't bother me... but today, all the minor things, the little things, kept adding up.
So I walked around literally like a zombie today, uncaring, unfeeling, just doing my tasks and assignments. All for nothing too, and even though I know better, knowing that my efforts will soon come to fruit results, I wasn't getting anything I needed today.
I want a cuddle, some love. A good, warm hug, and the freedom to say I love you while meaning it. I want to be able to speak freely with my family, for who I really am, and not what they expect to see me as. I want to be happy, and know that my aches and pains are actually helping an appreciative family, and that I have some sort of all-consuming, worthwhile goal to look forward to.
I can eventually get all that, but today, when everything just seems and feels so wrong, I have nothing. No hugs, no love, no comfort... Absolutely no space or freedom. Just get up, go to work, come home, rest, go back to work, all in a senseless cycle that adds up to nothing.

Bah! I'm gonna go have one hell of a hot shower, hotter than the fires of hell, then I'm gonna get a drink of milk and something to eat.
I'm gonna come back down, play some tunes, and just grind away this dark shadow that's infesting me right now.
I am so pissed and angry at myself for allowing my own will to fall into this trap that I just want to blast it away. So I intend to.

Sorry for the deep, dark frustrating vent here folks. It's time to shake things up, get this sediment in my life floating away from me again.
Talk to you later tonight.