>:'(

Whoops!

I made a joke today, just now, and it kinda sorta backfired.
I was kidding around, and said something to Laurie, my mom.
What did I say that was so horrible?...
[Snickers evilly]
I said, ''Y'know... Jamie and figured that since we both pay all the rent, that kinda makes you and Kim OUR roommates.''
I said this to Laurie, my mother.
That's it. Total psychotic episode next.

In a few minutes of pouty, demeaning guilt trip I was told that she doesn't need or want my money, that she will give me back my rent at any time, and that I could get kicked out at any time.
Now THAT'S real love folks. REAL love...

:UPDATE:
Just finishing that sentence, she comes down to talk to me.
She apparently now knows that I was making a joke, and she let it bother her.
Her chest hurts, she's stressed at work, Kim goes on binges all the time...
Wahh wahh wahh...
God, I love my mother, but she can't do this forever. I'm 26, and ready to live on my own.
Even if she's sick, or scared that she'll have a heart attack, or that Kim will leave her, I can't stop my life or goals. She should have taken my orders when I was 6 years old, stopped smoking, left Nick, and never done the bullshit in her life that she did. It's not my fault she chose to kill herself like this, choking her life into a death grip for control.

I was (am) pumping mad right now. I'm also a little pleased that she's upset. I also love her very much, but I can't hold on to her any more. She's holding me back even as I type this blog.
What can I say? I'm a good boy gone bad? Or that I never was a good guy, just a person who does good things now and then? Or maybe I'm just not letting her be selfish for once, and giving myself room to breathe in the space I clawed.
I'm confused naturally. I never had a big brother to pave the way for me. I intend to make horrible mistakes, and I'm ready to make them.

---

Jamie and I have talked, and it seems doubtful that she is actually ready to commit to improving her life.
I made her feel better by assuring that I would be ready for her if she still needed me, and that I'm still planning on making my own move to make my own life better this spring.
She seemed to instantly feel much better after a lengthy talk at work, just her and I, about some moving out issues. All I know for certain is; when she says 'let's get a place now', it's now or never. Instant reaction time.
I am totally 100% ready to commit to getting the hell out of here with her, even if she has a million doubts and worries about the experience.
She's afraid to rely on anyone. Hey, I am not trying to be reliable, and in no way shape or form do I expect her to rely on me. Not at all.
She wants to fail like I did on my first time, on her own. I know she can make it, and make it quite comfortably, on her own. I really do believe in her, because she's a lot like me, independant and proud. She would continue to live alone even if she was destitute, living off of rice and oatmeal, just like I did. I told her I know she could make it on her own, but that the struggle to start off would postpone her dreams even more. Still, it is her choice to make.
Jamie wants her freedom, away from everyone and everything. Still, she did want help to reach her goals... I told her that I'd love to share a place for a few months, see how things went, and if necessary I could move on to my own place after.
She seems committed to the idea again, but she's still a little hesitant. So I can't hold my breath for her. I have to act, alone if I must.
With or without her, I will still be moving out. Of course, I could be getting kicked out on Christmas morning, after some of the gifts I'm giving out have been opened... I truly can't wait. ^_^

I don't really think I'm being self-destructive, and I certainly don't want to burn any bridges, but I need to give the family a rude wake-up call for sure. The life here is stagnant and isolated at best, if we were part of a living creature, I'd have to say we were a cancer cell.

---

So I'm damned no matter what I do. I've always had a sharp little tongue. And y'know what?... That's a good thing. It means I have enough familiarity with truth and the skill to wield it like a weapon. I can hurt by being honest. I'm not proud of it, but if they don't like what they hear, too bad.
This is how I rebel. I dream, I have goals and plans, I spout the truth, and I want to live. Apparently this is a crime in my family, an act so heinous that I hid it all inside my wicked little head for a lifetime, feeling the sharp spines of change, love, and growth scrape along my delicate little mind.
Meh. Truth hurts. It's clarity and pain that shocks and reveals instantly, like a bolt of lightning. Too bad.

---

Okay. Enough venting. I need all the positive energy and spirits that I can muster.
I'm about to shed years of painful skin, hopefully not emerging as a demon, but as a good and honest man.
I am one step closer to being happy every single day. I'm working not only for my own goals, but possibly for one that I care for as well. I work hard, with honesty and integrity, and I keep reaching hard for that elusive sparkle that I was trained for so long not to reach for.
I'm working hard to prove that I'm still worthy to be part of the Labour Union. I'm working hard to prove to myself that I believe in my own goals, and that I can and will be able to live on my own. I'm growing daily, trying as hard as I can to be the awesome person that only a handful of people have ever seen. And I will do this, not because I feel that I must, but because I actually want to. And that's a big important step right there.

I'm waiting for my buddies from work to call me, so I can go have a 'good time' with them. No family issues, no tears, just clean and honest fun.
An internet friend is back online after over a month of being away. They had some legal issues to deal with, and all I can say is that I'm glad she's back online.
I'm having a good time at work most of the time, and I'm easily able to maintain my strong ethics and work attitude.
I'm keeping a good relationship with most of my family, and I'm enjoying their company and words of advice.

So, for every good I gain, there's a new evil that I have to face.
Growing hurts, but not-growing hurts even more. I'm making my move, just see how desperate I thrash around when the skin comes off.

Good night family and friends. My 'emo' post is done. Nothing but good will be around the corner. This is a major vent here, and now that's it's out, I feel tired but satisfied.
Next post will be about my achievements so far.
Love ya all, good night.