Mukade

It was -47 degrees celcius today after the wind chill. Definately a hazard right there.
Jamie and I have been battling our sickness for over a week now, and haven't quite gotten over it yet. She had been to her dads house the day before, and together Jamie and John were talking about today. She was told, rightfully so, that it wasn't really legal for us to be working today in weather like this, and that she should take today off.
Naturally she was concerned, not just for her health, but the fact that we could all get in trouble if we went to work today.
She asked me this morning to talk to our employer, Gary Sharun, who has always been a grubby little asshole for as long as I've known him.
I asked him this morning if, with the weather and all, we should even bother to go to work today or not.
As soon as I started talking, he turned on his slick used-car-salesman oil, and started blatantly trying to manipulate us into going in anyways. I knew this would happen, and I also know that regardless of the rules, we still have to get our job done today. I ended up disappointing Jamie by agreeing to go into work today. She felt like she had to go in too, or else she would get into trouble for missing work.
I had one more opportunity to stay at home this morning. The drifts of snow had surrounded our vehicles, and our roads weren't plowed. Even in 4X4 I had trouble getting out of my spot. I could have easily said 'fuck it' and stayed parked, but I tried one last move with my truck, and was able to sneak onto the road where the drifts weren't so bad.
I should have stayed at home today, and made Jamie happy. I'm sorry Jamie...

We both froze our asses off at work. Even the walk from the parking lot to the security centre was hell: I had no toque and she had no gloves at the time. We were, after all, JUST driving to work and not expecting the frost bite factor to be so bad. We're Canadians after all.

The snow today was extremely difficult to move. Very thick drifts plus very dense snow made for very slow shoveling today. A spot that takes less than an hour to do with two people on it took nearly three hours to finish, and that's without doing a top-rate good job on it. We shoveled together for 2 hours, from 5am to 7am. We had to have two warm-up breaks just to survive.

Jamie then got pulled away to go man-watching today. An outside job, exposed to the wind, immediately right after getting all worn out and sweaty from shoveling. Man-watching means you have to stand there and suprervise people working in potentially hazardous or dangerous situations. Standing around in one spot outside in winter... Your heart rate slows down, your breathing slows down... Basically it turns into a battle with yourself, you trying to stay comfortable and alert at the same time.
If Jamie hadn't shoveled this morning, she would have stayed dry, and maybe had a chance to endure the next 8 hours of freezing hell that she put up with today.

Me, I shoveled all day long. Drifts as high as my chest, and 5 times as long as my body. Gotta make those sidewalks and never-been-used doorways clear. I turned into a plow-machine today, me and my body grinding away at endless fields of snow and waste. Fun.
The air was so cold, and full of frost shards, that my lungs were having one hell of a day today. My throat and lungs are filling up with my own natural body secretions, and the cold air makes your body produce more of it. Plus I work like a mad-man. I couldn't even keep up with my spitting/nose-blasting to keep the fluid out. I was almost drowning on my own flem.
I managed though, all day long. I have to do the same tomorrow.

All day long, I've been depressed. The weather started it. Then it was Jamie, who I worry constantly about. Her worries about the legal side of coming in today versus her own face value to her boss is something I have to monitor.
She was so upset, that at work she said she's been thinking about quitting for some time now. She plans on quitting, moving away fro me to go live with her dad again, and finish her High School education. I'll support her education, but right now she's upset because all of her dreams of being on her own and independant are yet again put on hold. Worse still, she's gonna move away, and I won't be able to visit her at her dads house. I don't think anyone else there likes me anymore. Chris, John, and Richard all live there, and I'm sure they're glad that they're no longer around my part of the family, with Kim and Laurie.
I'm upset with myself too. First for not comforting Jamie by staying at home or standing up to the boss, but also for not being the one who can keep her happy. I am the oldest guy in our household, and have I yet proven to be a man yet? Not at all. I have yet to make a problem go away for our family, or cheer everyone up, or even set the pace for self improvement. I have not been a leader when it comes to life, nor have I really done anything important at all for anyone else, except maybe pay the rent once a month. I haven't been able to make myself happy, or even tell the woman I love how I truly feel about her. I'm stuck yet again in a dead-end job, where the most important person in my life is struggling and scared, and I have yet to motivate her or myself to make something better of ourselves. At least she's thinking about getting her grade 12 diploma now. I had nothing to do with that.

Jamie catches a ride home with one of our better work-mates. She and I were going to get a donair after work, but she had something important to discuss with this older guy. Jamie and I both adore and respect this guy named John from work. He's really cool.
I went to my truck and tried to turn it on. Nothing. It turned a few times, then the battery just quit on me.
I grab a work truck, drag it over, and get ready to boost my own vehicle.
On my trucks battery, on the terminal, is a split, and battery acid is spewing out the top of my battery. I was sorely tempted to hook up the booster cables anyway, just to get the damn thing to start. However, a battery explosion I could live with, freezing quickly to death on the cold ground is something I can't do.
I radioed the boss, asking if I could take a truck home. He said I could borrow the crappiest truck he owns. I WAS going to go buy a brand new battery. With what money, who knows?...
However, that one truck he said I could use was dead. I turned off my phone, said a loud 'fuck you nigger' to the wind, and started walking home. Typical. I can borrow garbage and shit, only to have it fail me as well.
Halfway home I got picked up from a co-worker who stayed a little late. Feeling miserable, I almost declined the ride, even though my face was past numb from the wind.

Got home, dumped my crap off, and almost exploded at my family. Actually, I almost burst into tears. There's a lot on my mind. Moving out, my own schooling, work, Jamie... Mostly Jamie. My depression was sticking it's ugly head in my face, and I couldn't stand to share that with my family.
I tried a hot bath, and a quick nap after work. I'm in a mad/numb state of mind right now.
For dinner, we had Hungryman T.V. Dinners. Blech...
Potatoes that don't heat up, my chicken nugget thing stuck in my baked dessert, corn mixed in with everything... I wasn't impressed.

I watched Jamie play my Resident Evil game for a minute before going for supper. She then turned it off, and is not hanging down here tonight, despite my best efforts at pretending I'm not upset at all.
Watched one episode of C.S.I. before deciding it was for the best if I just disappeared into the basement once again, out of sight where I belong.

I wonder if whenever Kim and Laurie get into a fight and break up, if any of Kims kids will ever want to come over here again. The only one of her kids here right now is Jamie. I wonder if Laurie and I would even stay here. It is, after all, in Kims name, this place.

So, feeling like a big failure, I've been contemplating some things today. I almost seriously want to pay off all of my bills and then cancel all of my accounts/subscriptions. Free of bills and obligations, I would then disappear somewhere, maybe to go find work, or just merely to disappear and wait for an untimely demise. Change my name, never see my family again, try to start from scratch. I'm not suicidal, but after how bad I felt today, a 'work place accident' doesn't sound so bad. I don't want to be remembered, I just want to 'fade away', and no longer be the anchor or obstacle that I often feel that I am.
I can't lead or be the man, I can't be ambitious enough to grow positively, and I surely don't love or care about myself and others enough, or else I would show it better and more consistently.

I wish I was ambitious like all the other men at work, so maybe I could start a better future for myself and for others. I wish I had pride, or shame, so that I wouldn't allow myself to settle for the situation I'm in. I wish I never fell in love, because it's been the source of much of my pain and thoughts. I wish I was tough, so that my own feelings at work and my own weaknesses wouldn't affect me.
I wish, I wish, I wish... But there seems to be no 'I will', or, 'I am' in my sentences. It's all just 'wishful' thinking, nothing more. There's no 'I promise' or 'I did' either. There is only nothing. Nothing.