Recently I've ruined the life of a great person. Or, rather, I've ruined a very important part of their life.
In an attempt to learn more about one of my favourite flash artists, I stumbled upon her personal blog on a public site. My intentions were simple; I merely wanted to see what type of personality this person had, and what influences made them so great. I entered her personal blog site and looked at everything.
I did indeed learn a great deal about my artist. Even from my limited view, I could tell she's had a remarkable life, full of ups and downs and lots of zany moments. I could finally see the heart and soul of this great person!
But, knowledge came with a price...
Although my intentions were not sinister, as most people would imagine, they were seen as such. This amazing person is already very reclusive, sharing very little about herself to the rest of the world. I find that to be quite the shame, for I see her as a great individual. For all of her struggles, hard times, crazy moments, and good times, she is a reflection of what humanity SHOULD be. A person who lives and enjoys life, one who isn't afraid to have an opinion, and speaks her mind freely. I greatly admire people like her, and she is still in one of my top ten.
I scared her away. I scared her away with my continuous presence, and the intensity of my searches.
I of course made no effort to hide my presence in her forums, as I felt there to be no need to. I just wanted to say 'Hi! I know you! I think you rock!', and share her blogging forums as just another person in her neighbourhood.
I suppose I am a 'stalker' for following her trail of art and history, and looking at her pictures she had posted on her site. I didn't realize what I had done could be considered wrong at all. I was just, in my mind, 'looking up' a cool person. But I am now labeled as a stalker, and I can't deny the logic. Yes, I am in a ways a stalker. And I greatly apologize for that.
I DID look at her posted photos, and I DID look at her friends in her network. I invaded not only her private blogging space, but also that of her friends.
When I scared her away, not only did I cause her to stop posting uninhibited and freely, but I scared her to the point where she DELETED all of her old memories and posts. She cancelled her account, and went into hiding. Yes, I know this because I was wondering why her account suddenly disappeared, and I 'looked it up'. I truly MUST be a terrible person, as I continue to indulge my desires for answers.
Now everyone's favourite and reclusive artist will hide even further from the public. All of her friends will probably be told 'to hide' and not post anything personal ever again. In reality, I've managed to not only ruin ONE life, but MULTIPLE lives as well.
As soon as I had realized exactly what I had done, it was far too late. The deed was done, and now I'm left all alone to suffer for it.
I am guilty. I am ashamed. I am embarrassed, hurt, stunned, and bothered by my actions. But MY feelings don't matter here. Not this time.
I feel very sorry for what I've done to her, her friends, her fans, and myself.
I wish I wasn't so curious, and so blind at my own stupidity at times. I wish I wasn't so selfish. I wish I could go back, and change things. I wish I had made an effort to make things right, BEFORE it became too late. But wishing will not change the past, or make the pain go away, or make her trust me again.
I would like to think that an apology had tangible value, that merely saying 'I'm Sorry' instantly made everything right, and made everyone happy again. Too many people have abused these little words, and their value is nothing more than a hollow gesture of self pity. Words and actions alone this time aren't enough.
I severed ties to all of my new friends on her own fan forums by requesting my account get banned. I deleted all of my other blogging forums and personal web sites that held ties to her great work. I can't do any more, I'm afraid, except one last and final act. I've wanted to E-mail her privately, but risked pushing her even further away. Instead, my last act is this apology post, as I know I shouldn't contact her anymore. I hope she reads it one day, and understands that I never meant to cause such harm.
I gave in to my curiosity without restraint or control. I delved into areas I shouldn't have gone. I have taken away things that are not returnable. I have in a way become a monster, and knowing that I hurt someone through my actions makes me hate myself even more than you can.
Words alone can't begin to describe how truly sorry I really am. My feelings, they're like my guts are being shredded across a field of broken glass as I am dragged on my belly. I can't imagine what feelings I caused in you with my deeds. Those feelings of hurt and fear don't belong in you, and if I could remove them and place them in me instead, I would.
Katy Towell, I apologize for the wrongs I've done, and the results of doing them. I apologize for being the reason that made you had to delete your favourite blogging site. I apologize for taking away from you your peace and privacy. I apologize for infringing upon your life. I had no real need to do so, yet I still chose to do it. Katy, I am truly very sorry.
I am so sorry...
Can I do anything, ANYTHING, to make things better for everyone?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Sir, I ask you to acknowledge that even though she felt affronted by your in-depth search of her life, you must not believe that what you did was wrong. It was most certainly uncomfortable for her and maybe you, and you did not violate her privacy, nor did you threaten her. You may choose to consider your actions a mistake. That, I might agree with in some respects, however you did not commit a crime, or hurt her. I do agree that I may indeed have felt some embarrassment or shame had I done the same thing, but ultimately I would realize, as you should, that I was NOT the CAUSE of her actions. You cannot dictate other people's actions. You most certainly did influence her, have an effect on her, but her actions, her reaction, and subsequent withdrawal from the online community was neither your doing, nor your responsibility. It's okay to have made that mistake. Learn from it. Learn from both your failures AND your successes. DON'T feel ashamed, don't kick yourself, beat yourself up, or berate who you are because of something you could not control. Simply acknowledge that you want to be wiser in the future.
In regard to her friends, please realize you had no part in their lives whatsoever. What they did was based on katy did, and not you. The best way I know of to fix this part of your life is to feel happy that you know better than to punish yourself over someone else's decision, and simply release the feelings of guilt, remorse, and all accompanying negativity. Think about it this way: Whatever information you read about Katy Towell was put onto the internet for public access BY HER. You are NOT a stalker. If you, AutumnBear, read this post, please contact me.
Sincerely, Orion
You're not the first person she's done this to, nor will you be the last. If anything threatens her "perfect" existance, she deletes it, and runs away from it. I can't tell you how many times I have witnessed this. Don't feel badly, because I have a feeling that you did nothing wrong. She just went paranoid, as she does quite often, and reacted the only way she knows how. By deleting you. She takes after her mother that way (no, this statement is not just random, it's a fact from someone that's known her in person for over 10 years)...
Post a Comment