Well, last weekend I spent two days straight partying.
The first day was a goodby/hurry-back soon party for one of our co-workers named Cigi (See-Jee). She's going out to B.C. to visit her family for the holidays, and should be back this upcoming monday. She would have been gone for about a week and a couple of days.
She's a good girl, if not more along the line of a valley girl, the type where everything is handed to her on a silver platter, and she has that constant upbeat nothing-can-go-wrong attitude about her.
She gave us all a scratch-and-win card for Christmas, and only invited a few of us out for a drink before she had to go. I was one of the lucky few. ^_^
We had our party at Boston Pizza, where there was Cigi, me, and just Jamie. Later on Shawn Hale (big Shawn) arrived and gave me and Jamie each a present.
For Jamie, a delicate jewelry set that features soft purple amethyst set in gold. Contains a watch, necklace, sensible ring, and a pair of earrings. She loves it, for a girl that usually hates jewelry. Her favourite colour is that soft purple, and the style isn't outrageous or silly. Atually, it looks quite nice on her.
As for me, well... I only got the coolest gift of all! A Zombie board game. It features little plastic men, map tiles that you place down each turn to make the city larger, dice, cards, and plastic zombies! I've played it twice so far. I first spotted it on the internet a while back, but from a site in the U.K.. I never thought I'd see it in Canada, but I did! One weekend a while back Jamie, small Shawn, and I were in West Edmonton Mall where I pointed it out to Jamie. She passed the info along to big Shawn, who is a great guy for getting it for me. Bless that man... [Sniffs]
The party was small, B.P.s was loud, but we all had a blast.
At first Jamie didn't want to go, on account of a poor mood and sore tendonitis in her achilles tendon. But, once the party warmed up and our chat was kept alive and fun, she just loosened right up and changed immediately. We all enjoyed our party.
The day after... Owen, that guy from work, called me up at 2:30PM, inviting me over for a beer at the Brant Hotel. I went. And I didn't get home until 1:30AM the next day. So, for 11 hours, I was hanging out with this guy.
We drank at the bar, went to his house, went to another bar, back to his house... Bought booze, went to his crazy friends place, drove all over town in some strangers car, got kicked out of the Rainbow Restaurant for being too loud, and ended up back at the Fort Hotel.
There were girls, guys smoking dope, all types of crazy things.
I played at a VLT machine and won $100 for some reason.
Then, after, I went up to his place again, where I stayed until a girl came and went, then I said goodbye after Owen started to almost literally fall asleep standing in front of me.
Contrary to the rumor, I did not have sex that night (or morning). There were a lot of girls, and they were all flirty and all, but I actually enjoyed the conversation and the social side a lot more than the close contact.
Anyway, it was a very expensive weekend, so I can't do it all the time.
Christmas was awesome. Since I'm trying to re-establish broken bonds with people I've drifted away from/fought with/ignored, things have seemed a lot better for me.
I have been for almost two weeks now been without a negative or depressed day. Thank goodness.
I got a lot of stuff, mostly clothing and snack foods, and some attention. That's all I wanted. Those I care for gave me attention and friendship. That's all I wanted.
I played a big old prank for Christmas. I bought sex toys and supplies for the family.
For Kim and Laurie I bought a cannister of Kama Sutra Honey Dust, which comes with a delicate feather duster to spread tenderly on sensitive areas. The dust is non-sticky, and can be licked off without leaving a mess.
The boys all recieved a special rubber masturbator sleeve, a type of pocket pussy, and a bottle of intimate massage oil.
The girls all got their very first waterproof plastic vibrator and that massage oil.
I wish I could have recorded the scene! The girls all freaked out, except for Stephanie, who was in on the secret. Tony was the only boy present at the time.
''Oh my god! David bought me a VIBRATOR!'' is what they all screeched. Haha! I said a big ''gotcha guys!'' at that! ^_^
So yeah, everyone got neato presents, but I gave the gift that keeps on giving.
By the way, they girls were openly waving those things around, teasing everyone with them, all day long.
Surprisingly, Kim and Laurie didn't really freak out. Go figure. [Shrugs]
I didn't get my digital camcorder though, but that's okay. I see the one I want already at the store. For $500, and once I get it, I can upload a digital documentary of my place here in the Fort, and some other stuff. I can post those videos privately on YouTube, and Blog the links for you guys to see.
Oh yeah, presents! I got Resident Evil 4 for the PS2, and Jamie and I are currently taking turns playing it. If I die, she takes over, and vice versa. We die a lot... :(
I gave her also a pair of switchblades for Christmas. She really likes them. She better, 'cause if she doesn't want them, I sure do! ^_^
My dad is coming up tomorrow for a vist. Then I go back to work the day after.
I fixed the door jam to Jamies room, so she can close her door now. I had a year ago had to kick her door open, destroying the door jam and door knob. She locked herself out...
Since then, the metal piece for the sliding door lock had been bent and wobbly, preventing the door from closing.
I recently bought a door knob for her, so I just have to install that. Then maybe she can have a little privacy for herself.
A day or two ago I practiced my massage skills on one of my sisters. Stephanie was a willing volunteer. I took her down, and gave her a good rub down, legs, back, feet, EVERYTHING. I used a type of professional massage oil that I bought, and it not only smooths the skin, but also chemically warms up, giving the muscles an extra healing benefit.
The oils I use are safe on cuts even, and naturally dissolve. Hell, you can drink the stuff if you wanted to. I don't want to use the perfumed stuff, because really, who wants to smell like cinnamon all day long?
I've learned how to work on tendons, joints, shins, elbows, even hand massages. I enjoy doing it too, which is strange, but I understand the physiology of the process.
So, for nearly two hours, I practiced my first real massage therapy in my own room. Steph was really happy from it too!
The only bad thing from the holidays is that Samantha, our 14 year old girl, well, her ex-boyfriend sadly decided to hang himself dead from our nearby park on Christmas Day.
Truth be told, he killed himself. It wasn't a fun time that day for Sam after that. He was going through depressions, and with his recent break-up with Sam, well, Sam feels to blame.
Not to worry though. Ol' Davey here knows how to talk to people in need of comfort. One of my skills it seems. She's now over it, mostly, and not in any danger of hurting herself over this guys actions. So, we can all be thankful for that.
Anyways, I'll update again later. See ya folks!
I have plans to go with a friend to Edmonton on New Years Eve to watch fireworks down by the river valley, then maybe tour around and check out the Christmas Lights on Candy Cane Lane in Edmonton.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Career Choice?
I'm thinking Massage Therapist.
I wonder...
A few more months of frustration, then I'll apply for a stupid student loan thing, then maybe I can do it.
I dunno. I'll have to do some research.
-
A better day today. At least in my neutral mood I can play and be jovial at times amongst my co-workers. I hate winter. This season is manifesting terrible depressions in us all.
-
I looked in my backseat, and found Shawn Hardings cellphone. I'll run it over to his place today. I have no idea if he's in Bruderheim or here in the Fort. He has two places to live. I'm sure he's missing his phone right now.
-
Damn molar that was chipped broke a little today and a part of my old mercury filling fell out. It doesn't hurt, but even if it did, I know how to rip the damn thing out. I swear, I'm the only adult anywhere that has two baby teeth left.
Wedged between two adult molars, and kinda wedged in like a keystone due to the slight inward arc of my jaw, these two damn things have no where to go. Doctors don't want to pull them, since their absence will result in the shifting of the rest of my teeth behind them.
Screw that. If I have to, I'll rip this one out, just like the last tooth that broke on me. Bit by tiny bit.
-
I'm getting my left nipple, and possibly left ear lobe, pierced after Christmas this year. It's my Christmas present request for the family, one that they can afford.
It's crazy, it's different, and if I don't like it I can pull out the rings and let the holes heal over.
I don't care if it hurts or not, it's something I've secretly wanted for quite some time now.
So... yeah. That's what's gonna happen to me physically.
-
Today I was working at Sherritt inside the Water Treatment plant. The vessels that filter out the water use a special resin that looks like sand to help purify the water. This sand is made of a material similar to silica, and looks like tiny glass beads.
Anyway, my job today was to remove this crap from the tanks and put them into barrels for disposal. Sometimes the resin can be cleaned, but this stuff was too grungy and old to re-use. At $1200.00 a barrel, the 8-9 barrels for the one vessel I cleaned out adds up to a lot of money.
I pumped new shit into the empty vessels, and loaded up the old crap onto pallets for shipping to deal with.
A dirty, wet job, involving pumps, buckets, barrels, brute strength, and a little patience. For physics lovers, we use a Venturi-style pump to pump the crap out.
-
I'm just waiting for Jamie to shower, so I can clean up.
She's going over to Owens' place, some womanizing guy I work with at Sherritt.
She's gonna go have a few drinks with him, then play a Playstation game in his hotel room, which is right above the bar.
Yeah right... :P
Jamies' a smart kid, Owen... well, he's one to keep your eye on. I'm sure his thoughts are racing to the dirty spectrum even now. But, what can I say? It's her life, and she can handle herself.
He wants her to go with him up north to Fort McMurray, or something, to make loads of money.
Not me, nu uh. I'm not going north, ever, if I can help it. Even if Jamie specifically said lets go get a place together up there and work here for a year, I would still say no. I couldn't do it, too many assholes and crazies up there.
I'm gonna stay right here, get some things sorted out, pursue some kind of skill for a job that isn't what I'm doing right now, and try to build my own life. It's hard, knowing that everyone I know has their own agendas and goals, and that my goals are on a path that will not be filled with other travelers. But I do have to keep what values and ethics I have alive. I can't go up north where selfish, greedy bastards all live and grind away their youth, just so they can have some sort of materialistic goal in the near future.
How could anyone go to a strange city, with no friends or support, and work their asses off and think they can be happy from it?
Is that any different from where I am right now though, I wonder?
I could handle being a therapist, healing people with my compassion and skill. My spare time could be spent on my artistic pursuits, and I could live a somewhat comfortable and lucrative life out of it. Then maybe after I have my skills, I would consider traveling to other places for work. As it stands, I have no industrial skills to offer the places up north, nor do I want to offer my skills and body to the meaningless industrial corporations up north.
-
I dunno. Some say that you can be your own worst enemy at times. I agree.
Letting fear, doubt, and worry keep your from living is a crime.
I try very hard to rise against it, and many days I succeed. But this weather! Dark, gloomy, cold... Especially at Christmas, where so many are full of problems... Problems! At Christmas! Jeez, if only we could all just dump them for a month, and just enjoy the season! Heh, I'd really love that.
I read my E-Mail horoscope today. It said something important in it that got me thinking.
''Starting today, Jupiter spends an entire year in your 5th House of Love and Play. Although romance is possible, there are many ways to increase the level of enjoyment in your life. Remember, though, you must be ready to have a good time in order for this to happen. If you believe you deserve a bit of pleasure and are willing to extend yourself, anything is possible. ''
The part that caught my attention was the ''If you believe you deserve a bit of pleasure and are willing to extend yourself, anything is possible'' part.
I wonder, do I think that I deserve to feel pleasure? Do I deserve to feel happy?
I thought hard on it. I think somehow I believe that I don't. Not at all.
The reasons why are elusive, some ideas are easy to see. I know I've done some really rotten things, not just petty vandalism or thievery, but really rotten and serious crimes that if I were to do them as an adult, I would surely be singled out. But beyond that, which I can live with those past mis-deeds by the way, are various reasons that all seem to add up.
Why don't I believe that I'm worthy enough to deserve feeling happy? That's a mystery that I need to work on. Maybe if I solve it, I can find a way to break it and keep it from hindering me ever again.
-
Meh, shower should be ready soon.
I should post some of my favourite links soon, so you guys can check out what interests me.
Later peeps, I'm dirty, cold, and I need to clean up.
I wonder...
A few more months of frustration, then I'll apply for a stupid student loan thing, then maybe I can do it.
I dunno. I'll have to do some research.
-
A better day today. At least in my neutral mood I can play and be jovial at times amongst my co-workers. I hate winter. This season is manifesting terrible depressions in us all.
-
I looked in my backseat, and found Shawn Hardings cellphone. I'll run it over to his place today. I have no idea if he's in Bruderheim or here in the Fort. He has two places to live. I'm sure he's missing his phone right now.
-
Damn molar that was chipped broke a little today and a part of my old mercury filling fell out. It doesn't hurt, but even if it did, I know how to rip the damn thing out. I swear, I'm the only adult anywhere that has two baby teeth left.
Wedged between two adult molars, and kinda wedged in like a keystone due to the slight inward arc of my jaw, these two damn things have no where to go. Doctors don't want to pull them, since their absence will result in the shifting of the rest of my teeth behind them.
Screw that. If I have to, I'll rip this one out, just like the last tooth that broke on me. Bit by tiny bit.
-
I'm getting my left nipple, and possibly left ear lobe, pierced after Christmas this year. It's my Christmas present request for the family, one that they can afford.
It's crazy, it's different, and if I don't like it I can pull out the rings and let the holes heal over.
I don't care if it hurts or not, it's something I've secretly wanted for quite some time now.
So... yeah. That's what's gonna happen to me physically.
-
Today I was working at Sherritt inside the Water Treatment plant. The vessels that filter out the water use a special resin that looks like sand to help purify the water. This sand is made of a material similar to silica, and looks like tiny glass beads.
Anyway, my job today was to remove this crap from the tanks and put them into barrels for disposal. Sometimes the resin can be cleaned, but this stuff was too grungy and old to re-use. At $1200.00 a barrel, the 8-9 barrels for the one vessel I cleaned out adds up to a lot of money.
I pumped new shit into the empty vessels, and loaded up the old crap onto pallets for shipping to deal with.
A dirty, wet job, involving pumps, buckets, barrels, brute strength, and a little patience. For physics lovers, we use a Venturi-style pump to pump the crap out.
-
I'm just waiting for Jamie to shower, so I can clean up.
She's going over to Owens' place, some womanizing guy I work with at Sherritt.
She's gonna go have a few drinks with him, then play a Playstation game in his hotel room, which is right above the bar.
Yeah right... :P
Jamies' a smart kid, Owen... well, he's one to keep your eye on. I'm sure his thoughts are racing to the dirty spectrum even now. But, what can I say? It's her life, and she can handle herself.
He wants her to go with him up north to Fort McMurray, or something, to make loads of money.
Not me, nu uh. I'm not going north, ever, if I can help it. Even if Jamie specifically said lets go get a place together up there and work here for a year, I would still say no. I couldn't do it, too many assholes and crazies up there.
I'm gonna stay right here, get some things sorted out, pursue some kind of skill for a job that isn't what I'm doing right now, and try to build my own life. It's hard, knowing that everyone I know has their own agendas and goals, and that my goals are on a path that will not be filled with other travelers. But I do have to keep what values and ethics I have alive. I can't go up north where selfish, greedy bastards all live and grind away their youth, just so they can have some sort of materialistic goal in the near future.
How could anyone go to a strange city, with no friends or support, and work their asses off and think they can be happy from it?
Is that any different from where I am right now though, I wonder?
I could handle being a therapist, healing people with my compassion and skill. My spare time could be spent on my artistic pursuits, and I could live a somewhat comfortable and lucrative life out of it. Then maybe after I have my skills, I would consider traveling to other places for work. As it stands, I have no industrial skills to offer the places up north, nor do I want to offer my skills and body to the meaningless industrial corporations up north.
-
I dunno. Some say that you can be your own worst enemy at times. I agree.
Letting fear, doubt, and worry keep your from living is a crime.
I try very hard to rise against it, and many days I succeed. But this weather! Dark, gloomy, cold... Especially at Christmas, where so many are full of problems... Problems! At Christmas! Jeez, if only we could all just dump them for a month, and just enjoy the season! Heh, I'd really love that.
I read my E-Mail horoscope today. It said something important in it that got me thinking.
''Starting today, Jupiter spends an entire year in your 5th House of Love and Play. Although romance is possible, there are many ways to increase the level of enjoyment in your life. Remember, though, you must be ready to have a good time in order for this to happen. If you believe you deserve a bit of pleasure and are willing to extend yourself, anything is possible. ''
The part that caught my attention was the ''If you believe you deserve a bit of pleasure and are willing to extend yourself, anything is possible'' part.
I wonder, do I think that I deserve to feel pleasure? Do I deserve to feel happy?
I thought hard on it. I think somehow I believe that I don't. Not at all.
The reasons why are elusive, some ideas are easy to see. I know I've done some really rotten things, not just petty vandalism or thievery, but really rotten and serious crimes that if I were to do them as an adult, I would surely be singled out. But beyond that, which I can live with those past mis-deeds by the way, are various reasons that all seem to add up.
Why don't I believe that I'm worthy enough to deserve feeling happy? That's a mystery that I need to work on. Maybe if I solve it, I can find a way to break it and keep it from hindering me ever again.
-
Meh, shower should be ready soon.
I should post some of my favourite links soon, so you guys can check out what interests me.
Later peeps, I'm dirty, cold, and I need to clean up.
Monday, December 17, 2007
No More Grumpy Bear!
Ah, much better.
It was hard to relax in the tub, especially after Jamie used up all the hot water.
She's now in Edmonton with Shawn Hale, buying Christmas gifts for everyone.
I had some pizza for dinner, that frozen type from IGA, and it turned out to be okay.
I'm watching some anime, http://www.veoh.com/videos/v1349927dTbA6yPK?searchId=6460341999189140509&rank=0 , and it's in Japanese with sub-titles, but that's okay.
I don't know why I've been so moody lately. Maybe it's more hormone changes or something. I am growing a little hair on my shoulders now...
But... I feel much better now. In fact, while it isn't good quite yet, it's a hell of a lot better than I felt earlier today for sure.
I think that I'd like to get into Judo. Not Karate, since I don't really like straight kicks and punches. Instead, joint dislocation, skill, and choking is more up my alley. We don't have an Aikido place here, so Judo is the closest thing I got. That will have to wait until after Christmas, as long as things don't get too hairy.
I keep thinking that I want to rent a townhouse, not just an apartment. I want a basement for my excercise space and hobby-workshop.
2 bedroom place if at all possible, so I can keep the spare room for someone that needs to move in.
I'll have a whole place to myself, to sing out loud (embarrassing I know), play music, do random handstands at 3am in the morning, etc.. That kind of stuff.
Anyways, just wanted to spout out that I feel a bit better now. Hopefully I won't have another nightmare tonight again.
Night peeps.
It was hard to relax in the tub, especially after Jamie used up all the hot water.
She's now in Edmonton with Shawn Hale, buying Christmas gifts for everyone.
I had some pizza for dinner, that frozen type from IGA, and it turned out to be okay.
I'm watching some anime, http://www.veoh.com/videos/v1349927dTbA6yPK?searchId=6460341999189140509&rank=0 , and it's in Japanese with sub-titles, but that's okay.
I don't know why I've been so moody lately. Maybe it's more hormone changes or something. I am growing a little hair on my shoulders now...
But... I feel much better now. In fact, while it isn't good quite yet, it's a hell of a lot better than I felt earlier today for sure.
I think that I'd like to get into Judo. Not Karate, since I don't really like straight kicks and punches. Instead, joint dislocation, skill, and choking is more up my alley. We don't have an Aikido place here, so Judo is the closest thing I got. That will have to wait until after Christmas, as long as things don't get too hairy.
I keep thinking that I want to rent a townhouse, not just an apartment. I want a basement for my excercise space and hobby-workshop.
2 bedroom place if at all possible, so I can keep the spare room for someone that needs to move in.
I'll have a whole place to myself, to sing out loud (embarrassing I know), play music, do random handstands at 3am in the morning, etc.. That kind of stuff.
Anyways, just wanted to spout out that I feel a bit better now. Hopefully I won't have another nightmare tonight again.
Night peeps.
Minor Update
Aha!
Sounds like Jamie is planning to go up north to find work. She seems to think that loads of hard-earned money will help her realize her dreams. Good for her.
Me, I still plan on doing my own thing. I know I can't stay at home forever, so I'm still committed to getting the heck out of here by spring, summer at the latest.
I'm not really sure on what I want to do in the future. That kind of scares me. I'm still almost completely directionless.
I'm thinking that I might do all my art dreams, but learn how to be a specialized massage therapist or something lucrative like that.
In the meantime, I'll study as much as I can on it, save up the bucks (as best as I can, for living on my own), and then go to a college and get my tickets/whatever to do it.
Warning: I'm a little depressed today.
Right now I'm frustrated, since it seems like I'm working for no short-time goals. Everything feels unreachable. I mean, sure, I can work hard to get a home, to get a new vehicle, to get this and that... but for what? Right now I have very little reason to do anything at all.
I'm not happy at home, and I'm not ever going to be happy here. I have nobody at home really to turn to for comfort, except maybe Stephanie and Jamie. Everyone else is in my way.
Laurie... I don't feel the same sort of love for her that I used to. No longer do I feel dependant on her. It feels like she's been deliberately hurting me my entire life. How she never quit smoking, and is suffering with her sickness from it. How she herself is unhappy, because she's lingering through a slow divorce with Nick. How she pulls me in by babying me, then saying right to my face that she doesn't need me for anything. It seems that everything that I tried to suggest for her to change or make better, she has deliberately ignored, and now rubs it raw in my face each time she sighs in depression, she hacks a lung out, or cries about her financial worries.
I feel like a terrible son for wanting to turn away from all of this.
Tony is upset because I won't let him move in with me unless he gets a job first. He's made no effort to get a part-time job after school. He seems to have no interest in saving up for anything. And he figures that moving out is oh-so-easy. He doesn't understand.
Jamie is upsetting me, confusing me with her yes's and no's in regards to moving out together. She seems to want to share bits and pieces of herself, but she deliberately holds back and hides everything else from me, and everyone else. I suppose she feels guilty for wanting help, but then she turns around and comes out with this confidence stating that she doesn't want anyone's input at all.
All of my other friends are either established in places already, or are not yet reliable enough to even bother asking for their company.
I'm finding myself more and more alone in my pursuit of happiness, that I'm feeling like the entire world wants to keep me wrapped up and miserable in my tiny room here where I live right now, an obedient drone sent to work every day to make money for a family that no longer needs or loves him.
This dangerous feeling I have right now is the number one reason why I have to just jumpstart my life, and claw right through everything and everyone for that little juicy chunk of space, so maybe that I can have my chance to live.
I hate this feeling. I truly, truly do. I pushed up and above it already, earlier this month. Now that the activity and motivation is settling down, the old habits and ways are creeping back in, returning those old voids and spaces that we created into the nothing that they used to be before. Our desperate gasp for air is being smothered and ignored. Well, I want more air, more space, and I'm gonna give 'em all hell until I get it back.
Akikuma = Autumnbear
Ki = Spirit
Akuma = Demon
Akikuma - Ki = Akuma
Today I'm feeling like I'd like to be one. I'd love to be able to be ruthless enough to just shred and force change into my world, regardless of the consequences for my actions. Rip and tear, pull and gather, grasping the many things in life that I need.
Today at work my mind was in a constant funk. It didn't help that last night a friend of the family called. Her name is Michelle (not my step-sister Michelle, someone else).
Apparently a few days ago her boyfriend was arrested. He beat up their 6 MONTH old baby boy, leaving it paralized on one side of it's body and brain-dead. We got the call from her last night.
Normally such news, while upsetting, wouldn't bother me... but today, all the minor things, the little things, kept adding up.
So I walked around literally like a zombie today, uncaring, unfeeling, just doing my tasks and assignments. All for nothing too, and even though I know better, knowing that my efforts will soon come to fruit results, I wasn't getting anything I needed today.
I want a cuddle, some love. A good, warm hug, and the freedom to say I love you while meaning it. I want to be able to speak freely with my family, for who I really am, and not what they expect to see me as. I want to be happy, and know that my aches and pains are actually helping an appreciative family, and that I have some sort of all-consuming, worthwhile goal to look forward to.
I can eventually get all that, but today, when everything just seems and feels so wrong, I have nothing. No hugs, no love, no comfort... Absolutely no space or freedom. Just get up, go to work, come home, rest, go back to work, all in a senseless cycle that adds up to nothing.
Bah! I'm gonna go have one hell of a hot shower, hotter than the fires of hell, then I'm gonna get a drink of milk and something to eat.
I'm gonna come back down, play some tunes, and just grind away this dark shadow that's infesting me right now.
I am so pissed and angry at myself for allowing my own will to fall into this trap that I just want to blast it away. So I intend to.
Sorry for the deep, dark frustrating vent here folks. It's time to shake things up, get this sediment in my life floating away from me again.
Talk to you later tonight.
Sounds like Jamie is planning to go up north to find work. She seems to think that loads of hard-earned money will help her realize her dreams. Good for her.
Me, I still plan on doing my own thing. I know I can't stay at home forever, so I'm still committed to getting the heck out of here by spring, summer at the latest.
I'm not really sure on what I want to do in the future. That kind of scares me. I'm still almost completely directionless.
I'm thinking that I might do all my art dreams, but learn how to be a specialized massage therapist or something lucrative like that.
In the meantime, I'll study as much as I can on it, save up the bucks (as best as I can, for living on my own), and then go to a college and get my tickets/whatever to do it.
Warning: I'm a little depressed today.
Right now I'm frustrated, since it seems like I'm working for no short-time goals. Everything feels unreachable. I mean, sure, I can work hard to get a home, to get a new vehicle, to get this and that... but for what? Right now I have very little reason to do anything at all.
I'm not happy at home, and I'm not ever going to be happy here. I have nobody at home really to turn to for comfort, except maybe Stephanie and Jamie. Everyone else is in my way.
Laurie... I don't feel the same sort of love for her that I used to. No longer do I feel dependant on her. It feels like she's been deliberately hurting me my entire life. How she never quit smoking, and is suffering with her sickness from it. How she herself is unhappy, because she's lingering through a slow divorce with Nick. How she pulls me in by babying me, then saying right to my face that she doesn't need me for anything. It seems that everything that I tried to suggest for her to change or make better, she has deliberately ignored, and now rubs it raw in my face each time she sighs in depression, she hacks a lung out, or cries about her financial worries.
I feel like a terrible son for wanting to turn away from all of this.
Tony is upset because I won't let him move in with me unless he gets a job first. He's made no effort to get a part-time job after school. He seems to have no interest in saving up for anything. And he figures that moving out is oh-so-easy. He doesn't understand.
Jamie is upsetting me, confusing me with her yes's and no's in regards to moving out together. She seems to want to share bits and pieces of herself, but she deliberately holds back and hides everything else from me, and everyone else. I suppose she feels guilty for wanting help, but then she turns around and comes out with this confidence stating that she doesn't want anyone's input at all.
All of my other friends are either established in places already, or are not yet reliable enough to even bother asking for their company.
I'm finding myself more and more alone in my pursuit of happiness, that I'm feeling like the entire world wants to keep me wrapped up and miserable in my tiny room here where I live right now, an obedient drone sent to work every day to make money for a family that no longer needs or loves him.
This dangerous feeling I have right now is the number one reason why I have to just jumpstart my life, and claw right through everything and everyone for that little juicy chunk of space, so maybe that I can have my chance to live.
I hate this feeling. I truly, truly do. I pushed up and above it already, earlier this month. Now that the activity and motivation is settling down, the old habits and ways are creeping back in, returning those old voids and spaces that we created into the nothing that they used to be before. Our desperate gasp for air is being smothered and ignored. Well, I want more air, more space, and I'm gonna give 'em all hell until I get it back.
Akikuma = Autumnbear
Ki = Spirit
Akuma = Demon
Akikuma - Ki = Akuma
Today I'm feeling like I'd like to be one. I'd love to be able to be ruthless enough to just shred and force change into my world, regardless of the consequences for my actions. Rip and tear, pull and gather, grasping the many things in life that I need.
Today at work my mind was in a constant funk. It didn't help that last night a friend of the family called. Her name is Michelle (not my step-sister Michelle, someone else).
Apparently a few days ago her boyfriend was arrested. He beat up their 6 MONTH old baby boy, leaving it paralized on one side of it's body and brain-dead. We got the call from her last night.
Normally such news, while upsetting, wouldn't bother me... but today, all the minor things, the little things, kept adding up.
So I walked around literally like a zombie today, uncaring, unfeeling, just doing my tasks and assignments. All for nothing too, and even though I know better, knowing that my efforts will soon come to fruit results, I wasn't getting anything I needed today.
I want a cuddle, some love. A good, warm hug, and the freedom to say I love you while meaning it. I want to be able to speak freely with my family, for who I really am, and not what they expect to see me as. I want to be happy, and know that my aches and pains are actually helping an appreciative family, and that I have some sort of all-consuming, worthwhile goal to look forward to.
I can eventually get all that, but today, when everything just seems and feels so wrong, I have nothing. No hugs, no love, no comfort... Absolutely no space or freedom. Just get up, go to work, come home, rest, go back to work, all in a senseless cycle that adds up to nothing.
Bah! I'm gonna go have one hell of a hot shower, hotter than the fires of hell, then I'm gonna get a drink of milk and something to eat.
I'm gonna come back down, play some tunes, and just grind away this dark shadow that's infesting me right now.
I am so pissed and angry at myself for allowing my own will to fall into this trap that I just want to blast it away. So I intend to.
Sorry for the deep, dark frustrating vent here folks. It's time to shake things up, get this sediment in my life floating away from me again.
Talk to you later tonight.
Friday, December 14, 2007
>:'(
Whoops!
I made a joke today, just now, and it kinda sorta backfired.
I was kidding around, and said something to Laurie, my mom.
What did I say that was so horrible?...
[Snickers evilly]
I said, ''Y'know... Jamie and figured that since we both pay all the rent, that kinda makes you and Kim OUR roommates.''
I said this to Laurie, my mother.
That's it. Total psychotic episode next.
In a few minutes of pouty, demeaning guilt trip I was told that she doesn't need or want my money, that she will give me back my rent at any time, and that I could get kicked out at any time.
Now THAT'S real love folks. REAL love...
:UPDATE:
Just finishing that sentence, she comes down to talk to me.
She apparently now knows that I was making a joke, and she let it bother her.
Her chest hurts, she's stressed at work, Kim goes on binges all the time...
Wahh wahh wahh...
God, I love my mother, but she can't do this forever. I'm 26, and ready to live on my own.
Even if she's sick, or scared that she'll have a heart attack, or that Kim will leave her, I can't stop my life or goals. She should have taken my orders when I was 6 years old, stopped smoking, left Nick, and never done the bullshit in her life that she did. It's not my fault she chose to kill herself like this, choking her life into a death grip for control.
I was (am) pumping mad right now. I'm also a little pleased that she's upset. I also love her very much, but I can't hold on to her any more. She's holding me back even as I type this blog.
What can I say? I'm a good boy gone bad? Or that I never was a good guy, just a person who does good things now and then? Or maybe I'm just not letting her be selfish for once, and giving myself room to breathe in the space I clawed.
I'm confused naturally. I never had a big brother to pave the way for me. I intend to make horrible mistakes, and I'm ready to make them.
---
Jamie and I have talked, and it seems doubtful that she is actually ready to commit to improving her life.
I made her feel better by assuring that I would be ready for her if she still needed me, and that I'm still planning on making my own move to make my own life better this spring.
She seemed to instantly feel much better after a lengthy talk at work, just her and I, about some moving out issues. All I know for certain is; when she says 'let's get a place now', it's now or never. Instant reaction time.
I am totally 100% ready to commit to getting the hell out of here with her, even if she has a million doubts and worries about the experience.
She's afraid to rely on anyone. Hey, I am not trying to be reliable, and in no way shape or form do I expect her to rely on me. Not at all.
She wants to fail like I did on my first time, on her own. I know she can make it, and make it quite comfortably, on her own. I really do believe in her, because she's a lot like me, independant and proud. She would continue to live alone even if she was destitute, living off of rice and oatmeal, just like I did. I told her I know she could make it on her own, but that the struggle to start off would postpone her dreams even more. Still, it is her choice to make.
Jamie wants her freedom, away from everyone and everything. Still, she did want help to reach her goals... I told her that I'd love to share a place for a few months, see how things went, and if necessary I could move on to my own place after.
She seems committed to the idea again, but she's still a little hesitant. So I can't hold my breath for her. I have to act, alone if I must.
With or without her, I will still be moving out. Of course, I could be getting kicked out on Christmas morning, after some of the gifts I'm giving out have been opened... I truly can't wait. ^_^
I don't really think I'm being self-destructive, and I certainly don't want to burn any bridges, but I need to give the family a rude wake-up call for sure. The life here is stagnant and isolated at best, if we were part of a living creature, I'd have to say we were a cancer cell.
---
So I'm damned no matter what I do. I've always had a sharp little tongue. And y'know what?... That's a good thing. It means I have enough familiarity with truth and the skill to wield it like a weapon. I can hurt by being honest. I'm not proud of it, but if they don't like what they hear, too bad.
This is how I rebel. I dream, I have goals and plans, I spout the truth, and I want to live. Apparently this is a crime in my family, an act so heinous that I hid it all inside my wicked little head for a lifetime, feeling the sharp spines of change, love, and growth scrape along my delicate little mind.
Meh. Truth hurts. It's clarity and pain that shocks and reveals instantly, like a bolt of lightning. Too bad.
---
Okay. Enough venting. I need all the positive energy and spirits that I can muster.
I'm about to shed years of painful skin, hopefully not emerging as a demon, but as a good and honest man.
I am one step closer to being happy every single day. I'm working not only for my own goals, but possibly for one that I care for as well. I work hard, with honesty and integrity, and I keep reaching hard for that elusive sparkle that I was trained for so long not to reach for.
I'm working hard to prove that I'm still worthy to be part of the Labour Union. I'm working hard to prove to myself that I believe in my own goals, and that I can and will be able to live on my own. I'm growing daily, trying as hard as I can to be the awesome person that only a handful of people have ever seen. And I will do this, not because I feel that I must, but because I actually want to. And that's a big important step right there.
I'm waiting for my buddies from work to call me, so I can go have a 'good time' with them. No family issues, no tears, just clean and honest fun.
An internet friend is back online after over a month of being away. They had some legal issues to deal with, and all I can say is that I'm glad she's back online.
I'm having a good time at work most of the time, and I'm easily able to maintain my strong ethics and work attitude.
I'm keeping a good relationship with most of my family, and I'm enjoying their company and words of advice.
So, for every good I gain, there's a new evil that I have to face.
Growing hurts, but not-growing hurts even more. I'm making my move, just see how desperate I thrash around when the skin comes off.
Good night family and friends. My 'emo' post is done. Nothing but good will be around the corner. This is a major vent here, and now that's it's out, I feel tired but satisfied.
Next post will be about my achievements so far.
Love ya all, good night.
I made a joke today, just now, and it kinda sorta backfired.
I was kidding around, and said something to Laurie, my mom.
What did I say that was so horrible?...
[Snickers evilly]
I said, ''Y'know... Jamie and figured that since we both pay all the rent, that kinda makes you and Kim OUR roommates.''
I said this to Laurie, my mother.
That's it. Total psychotic episode next.
In a few minutes of pouty, demeaning guilt trip I was told that she doesn't need or want my money, that she will give me back my rent at any time, and that I could get kicked out at any time.
Now THAT'S real love folks. REAL love...
:UPDATE:
Just finishing that sentence, she comes down to talk to me.
She apparently now knows that I was making a joke, and she let it bother her.
Her chest hurts, she's stressed at work, Kim goes on binges all the time...
Wahh wahh wahh...
God, I love my mother, but she can't do this forever. I'm 26, and ready to live on my own.
Even if she's sick, or scared that she'll have a heart attack, or that Kim will leave her, I can't stop my life or goals. She should have taken my orders when I was 6 years old, stopped smoking, left Nick, and never done the bullshit in her life that she did. It's not my fault she chose to kill herself like this, choking her life into a death grip for control.
I was (am) pumping mad right now. I'm also a little pleased that she's upset. I also love her very much, but I can't hold on to her any more. She's holding me back even as I type this blog.
What can I say? I'm a good boy gone bad? Or that I never was a good guy, just a person who does good things now and then? Or maybe I'm just not letting her be selfish for once, and giving myself room to breathe in the space I clawed.
I'm confused naturally. I never had a big brother to pave the way for me. I intend to make horrible mistakes, and I'm ready to make them.
---
Jamie and I have talked, and it seems doubtful that she is actually ready to commit to improving her life.
I made her feel better by assuring that I would be ready for her if she still needed me, and that I'm still planning on making my own move to make my own life better this spring.
She seemed to instantly feel much better after a lengthy talk at work, just her and I, about some moving out issues. All I know for certain is; when she says 'let's get a place now', it's now or never. Instant reaction time.
I am totally 100% ready to commit to getting the hell out of here with her, even if she has a million doubts and worries about the experience.
She's afraid to rely on anyone. Hey, I am not trying to be reliable, and in no way shape or form do I expect her to rely on me. Not at all.
She wants to fail like I did on my first time, on her own. I know she can make it, and make it quite comfortably, on her own. I really do believe in her, because she's a lot like me, independant and proud. She would continue to live alone even if she was destitute, living off of rice and oatmeal, just like I did. I told her I know she could make it on her own, but that the struggle to start off would postpone her dreams even more. Still, it is her choice to make.
Jamie wants her freedom, away from everyone and everything. Still, she did want help to reach her goals... I told her that I'd love to share a place for a few months, see how things went, and if necessary I could move on to my own place after.
She seems committed to the idea again, but she's still a little hesitant. So I can't hold my breath for her. I have to act, alone if I must.
With or without her, I will still be moving out. Of course, I could be getting kicked out on Christmas morning, after some of the gifts I'm giving out have been opened... I truly can't wait. ^_^
I don't really think I'm being self-destructive, and I certainly don't want to burn any bridges, but I need to give the family a rude wake-up call for sure. The life here is stagnant and isolated at best, if we were part of a living creature, I'd have to say we were a cancer cell.
---
So I'm damned no matter what I do. I've always had a sharp little tongue. And y'know what?... That's a good thing. It means I have enough familiarity with truth and the skill to wield it like a weapon. I can hurt by being honest. I'm not proud of it, but if they don't like what they hear, too bad.
This is how I rebel. I dream, I have goals and plans, I spout the truth, and I want to live. Apparently this is a crime in my family, an act so heinous that I hid it all inside my wicked little head for a lifetime, feeling the sharp spines of change, love, and growth scrape along my delicate little mind.
Meh. Truth hurts. It's clarity and pain that shocks and reveals instantly, like a bolt of lightning. Too bad.
---
Okay. Enough venting. I need all the positive energy and spirits that I can muster.
I'm about to shed years of painful skin, hopefully not emerging as a demon, but as a good and honest man.
I am one step closer to being happy every single day. I'm working not only for my own goals, but possibly for one that I care for as well. I work hard, with honesty and integrity, and I keep reaching hard for that elusive sparkle that I was trained for so long not to reach for.
I'm working hard to prove that I'm still worthy to be part of the Labour Union. I'm working hard to prove to myself that I believe in my own goals, and that I can and will be able to live on my own. I'm growing daily, trying as hard as I can to be the awesome person that only a handful of people have ever seen. And I will do this, not because I feel that I must, but because I actually want to. And that's a big important step right there.
I'm waiting for my buddies from work to call me, so I can go have a 'good time' with them. No family issues, no tears, just clean and honest fun.
An internet friend is back online after over a month of being away. They had some legal issues to deal with, and all I can say is that I'm glad she's back online.
I'm having a good time at work most of the time, and I'm easily able to maintain my strong ethics and work attitude.
I'm keeping a good relationship with most of my family, and I'm enjoying their company and words of advice.
So, for every good I gain, there's a new evil that I have to face.
Growing hurts, but not-growing hurts even more. I'm making my move, just see how desperate I thrash around when the skin comes off.
Good night family and friends. My 'emo' post is done. Nothing but good will be around the corner. This is a major vent here, and now that's it's out, I feel tired but satisfied.
Next post will be about my achievements so far.
Love ya all, good night.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Oops!
Oops! I ran out of gas today.
I don't often fill up, maybe once every week and a half. I don't really drive around much.
My gauges in my truck hardly ever work, because the circuitry in the dashboard is all half-fried. So there's no reliable way to even know how much fuel I have.
Plus, with a pin-hole in my tank, hidden under the gas tank bracket, I can't keep my tank more than half full at any time.
These are things I plan on fixing after I move out. Possibly in my own parking stall. I can't do it here where I live.
I can easily live with this minor problem, it's just that I got a little lazy and forgot to fill up my tank. Whoops!
I ran out of fuel while leaving my truck to warm up while buying lunch at 7-11 this morning. We called a co-worker to drive us to work.
We just now walked home, and I used my jerry can (thanks for that by the way Dad0 to put about 11 bucks worth of gas in there again. Works just fine.
So, problem solved for now.
Later peeps.
I don't often fill up, maybe once every week and a half. I don't really drive around much.
My gauges in my truck hardly ever work, because the circuitry in the dashboard is all half-fried. So there's no reliable way to even know how much fuel I have.
Plus, with a pin-hole in my tank, hidden under the gas tank bracket, I can't keep my tank more than half full at any time.
These are things I plan on fixing after I move out. Possibly in my own parking stall. I can't do it here where I live.
I can easily live with this minor problem, it's just that I got a little lazy and forgot to fill up my tank. Whoops!
I ran out of fuel while leaving my truck to warm up while buying lunch at 7-11 this morning. We called a co-worker to drive us to work.
We just now walked home, and I used my jerry can (thanks for that by the way Dad0 to put about 11 bucks worth of gas in there again. Works just fine.
So, problem solved for now.
Later peeps.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Alright!
The last of my Christmas presents have arrived in the mail.
That means this weekend I can start wrapping them up, and maybe even put some out under the tree for everyone to see.
I only bought things for my immediate family, and none of my presents are useless toys or junk. Mt Grandparents, Grandma and Grandad Richey (Ritchey?...), are selling their home this year and moving to Saskatchewan, so I can't buy them anything.
I'm not allowed to buy anything for my niece or nephew, since my step-sister Michelle decided to throw away 90 percent of their toys recently, and she still thinks her kids have too many to play with.
I can't really think of anything for my long-distance family, not even my poor old paw, so there goes the gift department up in smoke. I think all my dad wants is to see me in person, so I'll visit him after the snow melts, and maybe try to make it a monthly weekend trip to say hi in Blackfalds.
I'm not buying for any of my friends or co-workers, especially since I have no idea what anyone wants anyway. Plus I'm saving up money for a new pair of glasses and maybe some repairs for my truck. Those friends will just have to live another year without a present from poor old Davey again.
Nope, just a few worth-while gifts that I think the family should have. Everyone is too old really to buy toys or stuffed animals for, and bath soaps and clothing is what everyone else will be getting them.
My gifts are outrageous and original. I can't wait to see their faces on Christmas morning! ^_^
Since Jamie and Tony have access to this blog as well, I can't spill the beans until after they've opened them up. Like the rest of the family, they have to be kept in the dark until that morning, when I pop out a big shit-eating grin and say 'Gotcha!'.
Oh, I wish I could buy something for my niece and nephew... I think I just in fact will, even if it is to spite my sister Michelle. She's such a bitch at times, and I can say this with all the love of a caring brother. She frets over nothing, ballooning trivial problems into major epidemics. A simple colouring page error becomes a 'Daddy didn't teach you proper values and ethics yet' spiel. Or, 'Your father is a moron for letting you drink apple juice so close to bed time'.
I admit I don't really like her fiancee Alex that much, as he has the attitude (or HAD the attitude) of a 16 year old male. However, the man makes a good living and obviously cares for his family. She shouldn't treat him like garbage like that, especially not in front of her kids.
I saw a folding playhouse on T.V. that I thought looked absolutely awesome. My conservative mother said that my niece would have outgrown that by now. No way! I would play in that thing!
Christmas time. I keep seeing all the happy kids on T.V., and I wonder when I'll let myself become a daddy. One day I would love to be a proud father. Not for another couple of years I imagine, but one day.
I'd like to have a little girl first. A little princess who I can fret and frown after. I'd be called a 'grumpy old bear' when she's mad at me, and just a soft 'daddy' when she's happy.
Maybe a little brother after a couple of years. She'd be the oldest, and her job would be to look after her little brother.
Then I'd get myself FIXED. Lol! ^_^
I've helped raise Tony and Steph, and I know I'd make an awesome dad. I've been a Beaver/Cub Scout leader for five years, and have often babysat and taken care of children for many people. I have a great love for them, and even though I'm a stern, gruff old meany around older people, I have an undeniable soft side reserved just for children.
The question is: Can I be a great husband as well?
Probably, if I can have a little freedom to do my thing, and our separate lives revolved around each others' frequently. I have the patience to make things work, and a rule-bending mind that can usually find compromise between two opposing ideas. As long as I don't get a psycho woman one day who has values that include being cheap, making others feel miserable, and being petty and short-sighted, I think I'd do fine.
But that wouldn't be until I was like 30 or something. It's all pre-meditated. I evolve at a fixed rate, and I'm only 26 right now, with a long four years to go before I'm even close to ready to settle down.
I have to obey my fixed internal calendars.
So, what did I ask for Christmas so far? Not very much.
Jigsaw, Dremil Tool (mini drill), Digital Camcorder, Fuzzy Jammies (Stephanie is buying them for me), oddball stuff that I would like (collectables, antiques, etc.), a nipple piercing (left nipple only), and maybe a... ummm... Hmmm...
I didn't really ask for much at all this year.
Whatever! I'm grateful to know that people think I'm special enough to even want to talk to me, let alone send me a gift!
My trouble is... Why should I ask for something, when I can usually just get it myself for myself? It's hard, because just two weeks ago I needed a new bathrobe. A really nice and fluffy one. I was yelled at for not letting the family buy me one for Christmas. Well?... I needed it then, not later! ^_^
I dunno. I can live without so much stuff, and right now I don't have room to ask for things like a cut-off saw, or a pottery wheel. I jsut don't have room for any of that stuff. Not yet.
I want to be a professional crafter. Work with my semi-precious stones, metals, clays, woods, feathers, leathers, fabrics, etc., to create all manner of artistic objects. Masks, robes, jewelry, weapons, armour, bowls, pictures, statues, walking sticks, anything and everything.
I'm strongly considering a future career in a social services department, spirituality, and similar areas. I'd like to run a summer camp, where I help manage tourists and show them how great it can be to live outdoors with friends and family. I want to canoe, explore, camp, climb, do everything that I used to do but no longer can here at home.
---
Let me say something. Kim and Laurie have a rule, saying 'no sex in the house'. I don't have sex here at all, and this rule really only applies to the kids who have boy/girlfriends. That means Tony, Steph, and Sam.
Now, tonight Kim found out for sure from a reliable source that Sam has indeed had sex in this house, quite recently, despite the rules.
Oh man, is she pissed!
First of all, we ALL know the kids have and will continue having sex. Of all the kids in our house, those three are all in meaningful relationships with people they care about. They understand sex is not required or even necessary for a relationship to work.
Masturbation is okay in our house. What is sex? Mutual masturbation with an interactive sex-toy, basically.
I personally feel that it's okay that they're practicing this very important act. They all use safe sex practices, they all don't base their relationships on sex, and they don't do it in an obscene or flamboyant way.
Kim and Laurie are both way-overreacting over this. What do they expect?
Those two are both lesbians, who enjoy may I say quite raunchy sex at times. They expect us to be comfortable with their choices, and the fact that they aren't even married yet sleeping together.
Should the kids follow in my footsteps, living in their parents basement until God knows when? Sexless, with no relationships or experiences tucked under their belts?
I say no, and I am very glad that they all rebelled in such a normal way sexually. I suppose being the stick-in-the-mud big brother has shown them that all work and no play makes for a pathetic life.
I am, by the way, NOT a virgin. I have actually had several sexual acts when I was younger that my mother stills knows nothing about. Not yet anyway. I'd have to say that the last time I engaged was around when I was only 13. That again was the LAST time, at age 13. 4 girls, 1 boy. Heh, I was young, and I really didn't know any better, except that I'd get in trouble if I was caught.
I stopped having sex at the age of 13 because of a particular incident. The last one was one of the girls I knew, and she told me that her period was late. I was using the withdraw technique, which I know to this day is not safe at all.
At that point of my life, I knew instantly my life was over. My abusive step-dad and psycho mother would quite literally kill me on the spot, one or the other. I was a living zombie for weeks, terrified beyond belief. Thankfully, weeks later, I was told by the girl that she had her period, and it was just late after all. Ir-regardless, that was it. It was far too much bother and risk to enjoy myself in that way with anyone ever again, so I chose a life of abstinence.
To this day I am teased horrifically that 'I am a virgin', or that 'I'll never have a girlfriend'. I've made choices, and lived with them. Memories are hard to erase, especially when you remember them almost daily. So, I grit and bear it all, and I know one day I'll settle down with other people in the future. There will be a day when I find someone whom I can be completely honest with, and help myself to relearn simple things like pleasure, peace, and companionship.
The Greatest Healers Are Often The Ones Who Need The Greatest Healing Of All. This is a long-time quote that I copied/created long ago. I can't remember which. It applies to nearly everything in my life, be it sex, freedom, love, family, whatever. It is a broad statement that represents me to the extreme.
---
Meh, what did I do!? Lol.
I went from Christmas presents, to love, to family issues, to my own issues. God, I meander too much!
Sorry for the ugly details, but hey, it's my life, and I can be brutally honest at times.
Lotsa love folks. Talk to me on MSN if ya need to vent. E-mail me if ya can't vent on MSN. Or use Facebook. You can also leave comments on this blog if you want.
That goes for you too, Shawn.
The last of my Christmas presents have arrived in the mail.
That means this weekend I can start wrapping them up, and maybe even put some out under the tree for everyone to see.
I only bought things for my immediate family, and none of my presents are useless toys or junk. Mt Grandparents, Grandma and Grandad Richey (Ritchey?...), are selling their home this year and moving to Saskatchewan, so I can't buy them anything.
I'm not allowed to buy anything for my niece or nephew, since my step-sister Michelle decided to throw away 90 percent of their toys recently, and she still thinks her kids have too many to play with.
I can't really think of anything for my long-distance family, not even my poor old paw, so there goes the gift department up in smoke. I think all my dad wants is to see me in person, so I'll visit him after the snow melts, and maybe try to make it a monthly weekend trip to say hi in Blackfalds.
I'm not buying for any of my friends or co-workers, especially since I have no idea what anyone wants anyway. Plus I'm saving up money for a new pair of glasses and maybe some repairs for my truck. Those friends will just have to live another year without a present from poor old Davey again.
Nope, just a few worth-while gifts that I think the family should have. Everyone is too old really to buy toys or stuffed animals for, and bath soaps and clothing is what everyone else will be getting them.
My gifts are outrageous and original. I can't wait to see their faces on Christmas morning! ^_^
Since Jamie and Tony have access to this blog as well, I can't spill the beans until after they've opened them up. Like the rest of the family, they have to be kept in the dark until that morning, when I pop out a big shit-eating grin and say 'Gotcha!'.
Oh, I wish I could buy something for my niece and nephew... I think I just in fact will, even if it is to spite my sister Michelle. She's such a bitch at times, and I can say this with all the love of a caring brother. She frets over nothing, ballooning trivial problems into major epidemics. A simple colouring page error becomes a 'Daddy didn't teach you proper values and ethics yet' spiel. Or, 'Your father is a moron for letting you drink apple juice so close to bed time'.
I admit I don't really like her fiancee Alex that much, as he has the attitude (or HAD the attitude) of a 16 year old male. However, the man makes a good living and obviously cares for his family. She shouldn't treat him like garbage like that, especially not in front of her kids.
I saw a folding playhouse on T.V. that I thought looked absolutely awesome. My conservative mother said that my niece would have outgrown that by now. No way! I would play in that thing!
Christmas time. I keep seeing all the happy kids on T.V., and I wonder when I'll let myself become a daddy. One day I would love to be a proud father. Not for another couple of years I imagine, but one day.
I'd like to have a little girl first. A little princess who I can fret and frown after. I'd be called a 'grumpy old bear' when she's mad at me, and just a soft 'daddy' when she's happy.
Maybe a little brother after a couple of years. She'd be the oldest, and her job would be to look after her little brother.
Then I'd get myself FIXED. Lol! ^_^
I've helped raise Tony and Steph, and I know I'd make an awesome dad. I've been a Beaver/Cub Scout leader for five years, and have often babysat and taken care of children for many people. I have a great love for them, and even though I'm a stern, gruff old meany around older people, I have an undeniable soft side reserved just for children.
The question is: Can I be a great husband as well?
Probably, if I can have a little freedom to do my thing, and our separate lives revolved around each others' frequently. I have the patience to make things work, and a rule-bending mind that can usually find compromise between two opposing ideas. As long as I don't get a psycho woman one day who has values that include being cheap, making others feel miserable, and being petty and short-sighted, I think I'd do fine.
But that wouldn't be until I was like 30 or something. It's all pre-meditated. I evolve at a fixed rate, and I'm only 26 right now, with a long four years to go before I'm even close to ready to settle down.
I have to obey my fixed internal calendars.
So, what did I ask for Christmas so far? Not very much.
Jigsaw, Dremil Tool (mini drill), Digital Camcorder, Fuzzy Jammies (Stephanie is buying them for me), oddball stuff that I would like (collectables, antiques, etc.), a nipple piercing (left nipple only), and maybe a... ummm... Hmmm...
I didn't really ask for much at all this year.
Whatever! I'm grateful to know that people think I'm special enough to even want to talk to me, let alone send me a gift!
My trouble is... Why should I ask for something, when I can usually just get it myself for myself? It's hard, because just two weeks ago I needed a new bathrobe. A really nice and fluffy one. I was yelled at for not letting the family buy me one for Christmas. Well?... I needed it then, not later! ^_^
I dunno. I can live without so much stuff, and right now I don't have room to ask for things like a cut-off saw, or a pottery wheel. I jsut don't have room for any of that stuff. Not yet.
I want to be a professional crafter. Work with my semi-precious stones, metals, clays, woods, feathers, leathers, fabrics, etc., to create all manner of artistic objects. Masks, robes, jewelry, weapons, armour, bowls, pictures, statues, walking sticks, anything and everything.
I'm strongly considering a future career in a social services department, spirituality, and similar areas. I'd like to run a summer camp, where I help manage tourists and show them how great it can be to live outdoors with friends and family. I want to canoe, explore, camp, climb, do everything that I used to do but no longer can here at home.
---
Let me say something. Kim and Laurie have a rule, saying 'no sex in the house'. I don't have sex here at all, and this rule really only applies to the kids who have boy/girlfriends. That means Tony, Steph, and Sam.
Now, tonight Kim found out for sure from a reliable source that Sam has indeed had sex in this house, quite recently, despite the rules.
Oh man, is she pissed!
First of all, we ALL know the kids have and will continue having sex. Of all the kids in our house, those three are all in meaningful relationships with people they care about. They understand sex is not required or even necessary for a relationship to work.
Masturbation is okay in our house. What is sex? Mutual masturbation with an interactive sex-toy, basically.
I personally feel that it's okay that they're practicing this very important act. They all use safe sex practices, they all don't base their relationships on sex, and they don't do it in an obscene or flamboyant way.
Kim and Laurie are both way-overreacting over this. What do they expect?
Those two are both lesbians, who enjoy may I say quite raunchy sex at times. They expect us to be comfortable with their choices, and the fact that they aren't even married yet sleeping together.
Should the kids follow in my footsteps, living in their parents basement until God knows when? Sexless, with no relationships or experiences tucked under their belts?
I say no, and I am very glad that they all rebelled in such a normal way sexually. I suppose being the stick-in-the-mud big brother has shown them that all work and no play makes for a pathetic life.
I am, by the way, NOT a virgin. I have actually had several sexual acts when I was younger that my mother stills knows nothing about. Not yet anyway. I'd have to say that the last time I engaged was around when I was only 13. That again was the LAST time, at age 13. 4 girls, 1 boy. Heh, I was young, and I really didn't know any better, except that I'd get in trouble if I was caught.
I stopped having sex at the age of 13 because of a particular incident. The last one was one of the girls I knew, and she told me that her period was late. I was using the withdraw technique, which I know to this day is not safe at all.
At that point of my life, I knew instantly my life was over. My abusive step-dad and psycho mother would quite literally kill me on the spot, one or the other. I was a living zombie for weeks, terrified beyond belief. Thankfully, weeks later, I was told by the girl that she had her period, and it was just late after all. Ir-regardless, that was it. It was far too much bother and risk to enjoy myself in that way with anyone ever again, so I chose a life of abstinence.
To this day I am teased horrifically that 'I am a virgin', or that 'I'll never have a girlfriend'. I've made choices, and lived with them. Memories are hard to erase, especially when you remember them almost daily. So, I grit and bear it all, and I know one day I'll settle down with other people in the future. There will be a day when I find someone whom I can be completely honest with, and help myself to relearn simple things like pleasure, peace, and companionship.
The Greatest Healers Are Often The Ones Who Need The Greatest Healing Of All. This is a long-time quote that I copied/created long ago. I can't remember which. It applies to nearly everything in my life, be it sex, freedom, love, family, whatever. It is a broad statement that represents me to the extreme.
---
Meh, what did I do!? Lol.
I went from Christmas presents, to love, to family issues, to my own issues. God, I meander too much!
Sorry for the ugly details, but hey, it's my life, and I can be brutally honest at times.
Lotsa love folks. Talk to me on MSN if ya need to vent. E-mail me if ya can't vent on MSN. Or use Facebook. You can also leave comments on this blog if you want.
That goes for you too, Shawn.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Growing Pains
I feel like an insect in a tight cocoon.
I try to stretch and grow, and end up clawing a tiny extra space in my little prison, so I can live my life a little better.
Unfortunately, as I claw through my tight little prison, I end up hurting whatever is on the other side.
I've managed to hide my feelings and goals my entire life. I'm wondering if it's right to be so selfish and live my life not just to simply exist, but also to be happy and grow.
I've tasted happiness before, even had it ripped out of my hands. I have done nothing but bleed and sweat for everyone I care for, so I believe that as an adult I can finally scratch out a little space and live a slightly better life for myself.
Unfortunately my actions have greatly hurt one of my greatest friends/rivals, my attempts to live constantly unsettling those closest to me.
Jamie is a girl I've liked a lot for a very long time. However, I am still unsure as to how she even feels about me in return. I chat with her all the time by e-mail, or on MSN, or even at work, but when I confessed my feelings to her by e-mail, I did not get a response.
She's been hurt in the past, several times by other boys/men, and that instantly clears up my questioning as to why she isn't interested in any relationships with anyone at this time. She's been used and abused, and her broken love spirit now hides inside her depths, unwilling to poke itself out for the world to see.
Unfortunately, she is my sister. Not legally or by oath or blood, but I've called her sister since she was only 9. She is a very close friend.
I met Shawn through her, and he absolutely is in love with her as well. He constantly strives for her affection, but because of her aches and pains, she doesn't want to allow herself to love again. She doesn't trust anyone at all. I can understand that, and I have endless patience to wait for something that may never come into fruitation.
Since Shawn and I both want the affection and love from the same girl, we've grown to be rivals of a sort. I've tried to get Jamie to look at him better, through e-mails and suggestions, but she clearly isn't interested in anyone. This is kind of painful, knowing that she might not be ready to like not only me, but also this man that very clearly longs to be with her as well.
Shawn is a good man, he's had a hard life full of set-backs and let-downs. He's very upset right now, believing that he has lost in the duel to win her attention.
He doesn't realize that I in fact am the jealous one here. I don't have the grade school memories, or friendship bond that he and another Shawn has. I missed out on many of her experiences, and I am only just now learning tidbits of her secretive past through other people. Jamie seems to have more of a fun time around Shawn, and he can make her laugh and talk far more easily than I ever could. Is it any wonder that I can hate him for this fact? I am jealous to the extreme.
And yet, despite it all, I see Shawn as a friend still. This is incredibly confusing and painful to deal with. Here's a person who may be taking away my happiness from me, while at the same time I like the guy and his company.
Maybe it's easier to just back down and give up, but I know I can't do that. I've tasted happiness, and I want more. Too long have I lived as a slave, working for a family that constantly mocks the fact that I'm alone and unloved in a relationship.
Shawn also has that kind of feeling too, and I just read his blog for the first time in many months. He's dealing with the same confusion that I am.
Understandably, he probably hates me for the same reasons. I just hope him and I can still get along with this knowledge, and work around each other.
Jamie first asked Shawn if he would move out with her. He said he would, but I guess because of some situations he failed to meet her expectations, which can be incredibly high by the way. Jamie then asked many other people to be her roomamte, long before she even approached me about it. I happily agreed, full of many doubts, but willing to try and make her life better for her. Even if she doesn't end up liking me the same way, or if she does, I would be there for her. I want to live my own life too, and if she and I can do our own thing in the same house and get along for a while, that would be a wonderful thing.
Of course, when she does settle for someone, I would most likely have to leave. I doubt that she would want to maintain a long-term relationship with a guy like me. But if she does, I would be the happiest man on earth.
Tony, my own brother, may be sharing our place with us for a while. He needs to finish his schooling, and find a decent job, in order to live his own life for him and his girlfriend.
I am willing to move out with these two, if anything, just to show them how to live on their own. I've done it, three times in the past, and made many mistakes and had many experiences while doing so. They're both heavily dependant on my reputation as a dependable person to get them through the first few rocky months.
If I have to leave after, I'll either get my own place and live alone for a while, or maybe even consider moving out to B.C. and taking a Native Arts program.
I'm excited, scared, and upset at the idea of moving out this spring. I'm hurting a lot of people by not only being in love with Jamie, but also by abandoning my current family to start a life on my own.
I have to do what's right though, and unfortunately I've been used too long in the past to not let myself live for once. If my actions hurt others, then so be it. The guilt will always hurt me, but the need to do this is even greater, so I've made my decision.
I'm moving out this spring, after Christmas, with two people. I'll have the company of two great people of whom I can be totally honest and open with, and be able to do the things I want and need to do in order to be happy.
Friends can still come over, but the house will belong to Jamie, since that is her goal and dream. All I will do is help her get her life started, and then see if I can be a part of it for a while after.
I'm sorry if I hurt you Shawn, but hopefully you'll understand, and try to be there for Jamie in your own way.
I've got lots of work clothes to wash. Talk to you later folks.
I try to stretch and grow, and end up clawing a tiny extra space in my little prison, so I can live my life a little better.
Unfortunately, as I claw through my tight little prison, I end up hurting whatever is on the other side.
I've managed to hide my feelings and goals my entire life. I'm wondering if it's right to be so selfish and live my life not just to simply exist, but also to be happy and grow.
I've tasted happiness before, even had it ripped out of my hands. I have done nothing but bleed and sweat for everyone I care for, so I believe that as an adult I can finally scratch out a little space and live a slightly better life for myself.
Unfortunately my actions have greatly hurt one of my greatest friends/rivals, my attempts to live constantly unsettling those closest to me.
Jamie is a girl I've liked a lot for a very long time. However, I am still unsure as to how she even feels about me in return. I chat with her all the time by e-mail, or on MSN, or even at work, but when I confessed my feelings to her by e-mail, I did not get a response.
She's been hurt in the past, several times by other boys/men, and that instantly clears up my questioning as to why she isn't interested in any relationships with anyone at this time. She's been used and abused, and her broken love spirit now hides inside her depths, unwilling to poke itself out for the world to see.
Unfortunately, she is my sister. Not legally or by oath or blood, but I've called her sister since she was only 9. She is a very close friend.
I met Shawn through her, and he absolutely is in love with her as well. He constantly strives for her affection, but because of her aches and pains, she doesn't want to allow herself to love again. She doesn't trust anyone at all. I can understand that, and I have endless patience to wait for something that may never come into fruitation.
Since Shawn and I both want the affection and love from the same girl, we've grown to be rivals of a sort. I've tried to get Jamie to look at him better, through e-mails and suggestions, but she clearly isn't interested in anyone. This is kind of painful, knowing that she might not be ready to like not only me, but also this man that very clearly longs to be with her as well.
Shawn is a good man, he's had a hard life full of set-backs and let-downs. He's very upset right now, believing that he has lost in the duel to win her attention.
He doesn't realize that I in fact am the jealous one here. I don't have the grade school memories, or friendship bond that he and another Shawn has. I missed out on many of her experiences, and I am only just now learning tidbits of her secretive past through other people. Jamie seems to have more of a fun time around Shawn, and he can make her laugh and talk far more easily than I ever could. Is it any wonder that I can hate him for this fact? I am jealous to the extreme.
And yet, despite it all, I see Shawn as a friend still. This is incredibly confusing and painful to deal with. Here's a person who may be taking away my happiness from me, while at the same time I like the guy and his company.
Maybe it's easier to just back down and give up, but I know I can't do that. I've tasted happiness, and I want more. Too long have I lived as a slave, working for a family that constantly mocks the fact that I'm alone and unloved in a relationship.
Shawn also has that kind of feeling too, and I just read his blog for the first time in many months. He's dealing with the same confusion that I am.
Understandably, he probably hates me for the same reasons. I just hope him and I can still get along with this knowledge, and work around each other.
Jamie first asked Shawn if he would move out with her. He said he would, but I guess because of some situations he failed to meet her expectations, which can be incredibly high by the way. Jamie then asked many other people to be her roomamte, long before she even approached me about it. I happily agreed, full of many doubts, but willing to try and make her life better for her. Even if she doesn't end up liking me the same way, or if she does, I would be there for her. I want to live my own life too, and if she and I can do our own thing in the same house and get along for a while, that would be a wonderful thing.
Of course, when she does settle for someone, I would most likely have to leave. I doubt that she would want to maintain a long-term relationship with a guy like me. But if she does, I would be the happiest man on earth.
Tony, my own brother, may be sharing our place with us for a while. He needs to finish his schooling, and find a decent job, in order to live his own life for him and his girlfriend.
I am willing to move out with these two, if anything, just to show them how to live on their own. I've done it, three times in the past, and made many mistakes and had many experiences while doing so. They're both heavily dependant on my reputation as a dependable person to get them through the first few rocky months.
If I have to leave after, I'll either get my own place and live alone for a while, or maybe even consider moving out to B.C. and taking a Native Arts program.
I'm excited, scared, and upset at the idea of moving out this spring. I'm hurting a lot of people by not only being in love with Jamie, but also by abandoning my current family to start a life on my own.
I have to do what's right though, and unfortunately I've been used too long in the past to not let myself live for once. If my actions hurt others, then so be it. The guilt will always hurt me, but the need to do this is even greater, so I've made my decision.
I'm moving out this spring, after Christmas, with two people. I'll have the company of two great people of whom I can be totally honest and open with, and be able to do the things I want and need to do in order to be happy.
Friends can still come over, but the house will belong to Jamie, since that is her goal and dream. All I will do is help her get her life started, and then see if I can be a part of it for a while after.
I'm sorry if I hurt you Shawn, but hopefully you'll understand, and try to be there for Jamie in your own way.
I've got lots of work clothes to wash. Talk to you later folks.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Christmas Party?
Tomorrow (Friday) after work our company is having a staff Christmas Party.
It isn't really anything too fancy. In reality, we're all just going to the bar together to have a good time.
I'm looking forward to it. My crewmates are all so unwilling to open up at work, so it's a good chance to break down their walls.
I have a 'date' for tomorrow. It's a MAN.
Now, hold on. Don't get too excited. Owen is his name, and I invited him to come because he's pretty cool. He works on our crew, but he's from a different company. Since our party is G.S. Landscaping only, I asked if it was okay to bring a date. The boss said I could bring a friend if I wanted, so I chose a fellow worker. How nice was that?
Heh heh. Some of you are breaking out in a nervous sweat I bet. I can only imagine the thoughts in your peoples heads (only because mine are so dirty as well). But I assure you, as cute as Owen can be (for a 26 year old, dirty-blond haired boy) he is far from ideal. Too emo, and too much false bravado when he's in a good mood.
I plan on beating everyone at pool, using my elite skills from the past to win every game (oh yeah... [Flexes]).
I'll get to hob-know with the boss, and chat freely with the crew, and practice opening up and having fun in public.
I've begun extreme changes in my attitude, trying very hard to loosen up and enjoy life. I'm too serious, too restrained. I want to be able to shrug off my noble mantle once in a while and just act like everyone else.
So far I have made significant changes. It's not readily apparent, but I can joke and speak in public easier now, I can actually use small-talk (even though I tend to kill it by dragging non-interesting tidbits into my conversation), and I'm trying to smile and work on face and body posturing more.
It's a slow change, but one I'm willing to work at, bit by bit. Just adjusting my attitude by thinking positive instead of rolling with whatever mood fits the situation has actually helped. I feel better at work and around others.
Oops. It's later than I thought. Time to crash folks. Cya.
O_x
It isn't really anything too fancy. In reality, we're all just going to the bar together to have a good time.
I'm looking forward to it. My crewmates are all so unwilling to open up at work, so it's a good chance to break down their walls.
I have a 'date' for tomorrow. It's a MAN.
Now, hold on. Don't get too excited. Owen is his name, and I invited him to come because he's pretty cool. He works on our crew, but he's from a different company. Since our party is G.S. Landscaping only, I asked if it was okay to bring a date. The boss said I could bring a friend if I wanted, so I chose a fellow worker. How nice was that?
Heh heh. Some of you are breaking out in a nervous sweat I bet. I can only imagine the thoughts in your peoples heads (only because mine are so dirty as well). But I assure you, as cute as Owen can be (for a 26 year old, dirty-blond haired boy) he is far from ideal. Too emo, and too much false bravado when he's in a good mood.
I plan on beating everyone at pool, using my elite skills from the past to win every game (oh yeah... [Flexes]).
I'll get to hob-know with the boss, and chat freely with the crew, and practice opening up and having fun in public.
I've begun extreme changes in my attitude, trying very hard to loosen up and enjoy life. I'm too serious, too restrained. I want to be able to shrug off my noble mantle once in a while and just act like everyone else.
So far I have made significant changes. It's not readily apparent, but I can joke and speak in public easier now, I can actually use small-talk (even though I tend to kill it by dragging non-interesting tidbits into my conversation), and I'm trying to smile and work on face and body posturing more.
It's a slow change, but one I'm willing to work at, bit by bit. Just adjusting my attitude by thinking positive instead of rolling with whatever mood fits the situation has actually helped. I feel better at work and around others.
Oops. It's later than I thought. Time to crash folks. Cya.
O_x
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Inspirational Music
A Criminal Mind: One of my favourite songs by Gowan.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEmCsu4c9dI
Society judges too harshly, making criminals of us all. I have a criminal mind.
Cry Little Sister: The Lost Boys soundtrack.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVnSGXvYK20
Dark songs with angsty goodness. I love the main chorus in this song. Has a special meaning to me.
Guilty Secret: Chris De Burgh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnLXH4NalDg
Applies to entry #2 above.
''He doesn't need her, the way that I need her. He doesn't love her, the way that I do.''
Man, I love these lyrics.
Ja ja... More updates are coming. I'm in a happy mood today, so I felt like posting for once.
Anyways, it's late. 2 more days of work, then I get a weekend. Woot! ^_^
See ya friends and family. Peace out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEmCsu4c9dI
Society judges too harshly, making criminals of us all. I have a criminal mind.
Cry Little Sister: The Lost Boys soundtrack.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVnSGXvYK20
Dark songs with angsty goodness. I love the main chorus in this song. Has a special meaning to me.
Guilty Secret: Chris De Burgh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnLXH4NalDg
Applies to entry #2 above.
''He doesn't need her, the way that I need her. He doesn't love her, the way that I do.''
Man, I love these lyrics.
Ja ja... More updates are coming. I'm in a happy mood today, so I felt like posting for once.
Anyways, it's late. 2 more days of work, then I get a weekend. Woot! ^_^
See ya friends and family. Peace out.
Feelin' Good
-ast night me, Jamie, and my brother Tony had a much needed talk for once.
In our house, having an open and honest discussion can be a very hard thing to do, especially on some topics that involve change or personal feelings.
For some time now we've been planning (plotting) in secret many of our goals and plans. Tonywill be moving out with us in the spring, away from the oppression at home.
-Kim and Laurie seemunhappy because they have to constantly worry about their children, and boyfriends in the house, and the constant mess... Remove those problems, and maybe they'll be happy for once. Or maybe they'll realize that the reason they're unhappy is because they have issues of their own to sort out. Hopefully when they're on their own, they can bond together and sort out their mess.
I'm kind of doubtful about having Tony as a roommate, but if Jamie says she can handle him, then so be it. Especially since Tony has a girlfriend. What if she gets pregnant, or they fight, or make love too loudly... [Blushes]
I can see potential problems in the future, and I'm sure that Tony would love HIS own place, but he also has never really moved out on his own before and been responsible. It would be a great learning experience for him (and Jamie) to be on their own for once in their life.
I'm pretty sure that this time when I leave home again I'll be able to survive a little longer than before. Jamie, Tony, and I all three do not smoke, nor do we do meth or drink at home (maybe once in a blue moon, just the drinking part).
Jamie and I are solid, we rarely fight (but we have fought, kinda half-heartedly). She's a great buddy, wonderful 'sister', and someone I adore and respect. I treat her as an equal at work, and although I'd like to say that I would treat her as a man there, I can't. I still fret and worry whenever she gets put into situations that I don't like, like forced overtime and scary work locations. But I also realize that she's a strong woman, and that she can take care of herself. I'm glad she asks me for help now and then. It's good to see that she needs someone to lean on time to time, and that she isn't always an invincible rock.
Tony and I scrap, but never seriously. If he gets all serious on me and tells me to 'fuck off' I respect that. I don't push him around, he's my bro. I treat him as an equal and a very good friend. He's gonna finish his schooling, and then find a job. He's had enough hardships and rough times over the years. I want him to have an opportunity for the happiness and freedom that we're going to be working together for.
Tony and I are much closer now, especially since he's no longer the monster from an old divorce crying for attention. He has matured in ways that I can hardly explain, but he is going to be an outstanding man one day. He is compassionate and gentle with those he cares for, yet very aloof and uncaring for 'outsiders'. I can best try to describe him as 'Hyde' from 'That 70's Show'. He's a good guy, and I love him more as an adult because of his maturity and personality.
Jamie is a little too shy and seemingly not yet ready to embrace womanhood, but she's almost there. She has a strong goal in her sights, and the will to reach it. I am truly envious. Her personality is upbeat and full of life, and when she needs to be serious, she does so with a fierce sternness that I rarely see in others.
Me, I have some goals in mind, but nothing really career orientated. I know I want to be happy, do many of my hobbies, have room to do my stretches and excercises, and be able to do what I need to do without any guilt, conditions, restraints, or people in my way.
That chat last night refreshed the reasons why I'm working so hard, and the fact that we're all still committed to see it through. I was doubting whether or not I would still be wanted as a roommate. I can be downright gloomy at times, and self-defeating. However, when I'm happy I can be an amazing person. I think they both realize that. They know I won't wreck their lives or ruin their plans.
They both have friends that can make them laugh, or keep them constantly amused, or can offer rides and favors. Me, all I can offer is everything I have. My friendship, my strength, my comfort. I can offer them a chance to reach their goals, and a dependable person to live with who won't desert them in their hour of need. Plus, I leave the toilet seat down (Tony doesn't, lol).
I can't wait! ^_^
In our house, having an open and honest discussion can be a very hard thing to do, especially on some topics that involve change or personal feelings.
For some time now we've been planning (plotting) in secret many of our goals and plans. Tonywill be moving out with us in the spring, away from the oppression at home.
-Kim and Laurie seemunhappy because they have to constantly worry about their children, and boyfriends in the house, and the constant mess... Remove those problems, and maybe they'll be happy for once. Or maybe they'll realize that the reason they're unhappy is because they have issues of their own to sort out. Hopefully when they're on their own, they can bond together and sort out their mess.
I'm kind of doubtful about having Tony as a roommate, but if Jamie says she can handle him, then so be it. Especially since Tony has a girlfriend. What if she gets pregnant, or they fight, or make love too loudly... [Blushes]
I can see potential problems in the future, and I'm sure that Tony would love HIS own place, but he also has never really moved out on his own before and been responsible. It would be a great learning experience for him (and Jamie) to be on their own for once in their life.
I'm pretty sure that this time when I leave home again I'll be able to survive a little longer than before. Jamie, Tony, and I all three do not smoke, nor do we do meth or drink at home (maybe once in a blue moon, just the drinking part).
Jamie and I are solid, we rarely fight (but we have fought, kinda half-heartedly). She's a great buddy, wonderful 'sister', and someone I adore and respect. I treat her as an equal at work, and although I'd like to say that I would treat her as a man there, I can't. I still fret and worry whenever she gets put into situations that I don't like, like forced overtime and scary work locations. But I also realize that she's a strong woman, and that she can take care of herself. I'm glad she asks me for help now and then. It's good to see that she needs someone to lean on time to time, and that she isn't always an invincible rock.
Tony and I scrap, but never seriously. If he gets all serious on me and tells me to 'fuck off' I respect that. I don't push him around, he's my bro. I treat him as an equal and a very good friend. He's gonna finish his schooling, and then find a job. He's had enough hardships and rough times over the years. I want him to have an opportunity for the happiness and freedom that we're going to be working together for.
Tony and I are much closer now, especially since he's no longer the monster from an old divorce crying for attention. He has matured in ways that I can hardly explain, but he is going to be an outstanding man one day. He is compassionate and gentle with those he cares for, yet very aloof and uncaring for 'outsiders'. I can best try to describe him as 'Hyde' from 'That 70's Show'. He's a good guy, and I love him more as an adult because of his maturity and personality.
Jamie is a little too shy and seemingly not yet ready to embrace womanhood, but she's almost there. She has a strong goal in her sights, and the will to reach it. I am truly envious. Her personality is upbeat and full of life, and when she needs to be serious, she does so with a fierce sternness that I rarely see in others.
Me, I have some goals in mind, but nothing really career orientated. I know I want to be happy, do many of my hobbies, have room to do my stretches and excercises, and be able to do what I need to do without any guilt, conditions, restraints, or people in my way.
That chat last night refreshed the reasons why I'm working so hard, and the fact that we're all still committed to see it through. I was doubting whether or not I would still be wanted as a roommate. I can be downright gloomy at times, and self-defeating. However, when I'm happy I can be an amazing person. I think they both realize that. They know I won't wreck their lives or ruin their plans.
They both have friends that can make them laugh, or keep them constantly amused, or can offer rides and favors. Me, all I can offer is everything I have. My friendship, my strength, my comfort. I can offer them a chance to reach their goals, and a dependable person to live with who won't desert them in their hour of need. Plus, I leave the toilet seat down (Tony doesn't, lol).
I can't wait! ^_^
Monday, December 3, 2007
Tired and sore, tired and sore!
Okay. I conned the boss into not making me work on the weekends if it snows. That part is taken care of. (Heh heh heh...)
However... I still have to wake up two to three hours early if it snows.
Today I worked another 11 hour day. As long as my time is spent shoveling, however, we don't get overtime for it. It's a wierd contract thingy that goes away whenever we spend extra time actually on the plant doing non-snow removal activities. Meaning if I were to stay late and do anything but snow shovel, I would earn overtime. If I'm shoveling, it's just straight time.
I just deposited my first cheque. $1693.07 is what I made in my three weeks so far. Not a lot of money, but it's better than nothing. I guess I'm making $17.00 an hour regular time. Not too bad. I could be making a lot less.
I'm gonna talk to the boss and see about getting an automatic deposit set up. I find it really inconvenient to drive across town to a bank that's closed at 4pm. Since I made my deposit at the insta-teller machine, I have to wait (possibly, said the message...) up to 5 days for it to process. It's teh suxxorz...
So, it's still snowing, light poofy stuff, and it's been doing it all day long. Meaning I have to go to bed soon and wake up early again, to do the entire plant tomorrow. After snow shoveling, I can join the on-site crew and do on-site crap, making overtime if I stay late.
Later folks.
However... I still have to wake up two to three hours early if it snows.
Today I worked another 11 hour day. As long as my time is spent shoveling, however, we don't get overtime for it. It's a wierd contract thingy that goes away whenever we spend extra time actually on the plant doing non-snow removal activities. Meaning if I were to stay late and do anything but snow shovel, I would earn overtime. If I'm shoveling, it's just straight time.
I just deposited my first cheque. $1693.07 is what I made in my three weeks so far. Not a lot of money, but it's better than nothing. I guess I'm making $17.00 an hour regular time. Not too bad. I could be making a lot less.
I'm gonna talk to the boss and see about getting an automatic deposit set up. I find it really inconvenient to drive across town to a bank that's closed at 4pm. Since I made my deposit at the insta-teller machine, I have to wait (possibly, said the message...) up to 5 days for it to process. It's teh suxxorz...
So, it's still snowing, light poofy stuff, and it's been doing it all day long. Meaning I have to go to bed soon and wake up early again, to do the entire plant tomorrow. After snow shoveling, I can join the on-site crew and do on-site crap, making overtime if I stay late.
Later folks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
